How time flies. 2016 has just whizzed by at the speed of light and before I knew it 2017 is here!!! As it is we are already halfway into the first month of the year.
What did I achieve in 2016? Here is a look back at my first post of 2016 (http://sinfullyblack.blogspot.my/2016/02/2016-here-i-come.html). As you already know I did manage to make my dream of visiting the States a reality (will save that for another post).
As for the other stuff....I don't think I did so well in the spend less and save more department...LOL. My relationship status is still the same. There was a small glimmer of hope towards the end of 2016, but that didn't pan out and has left me feeling bummed out ever since then. More than a year ago, I met a guy online. He is from the States and initially we were chatting quite a fair bit but it eventually became a once a week "Hi, how are you" kind of a thing. He was the one who pulled back so I let it be. So imagined my surprised when he came up to New York to see me. He spent the weekend with me there showing me around before he had to go back to DC for work. As the Smithsonian was always a place I wanted to visit I had planned a trip to DC as well. I spent my entire trip in DC with him. He asked if I could cancel my hotel and stay with him instead. I even extended my stay in DC by a couple of days at his request. All in all including the weekend in NYC, we spent a total of 10 days together but when I left we weren't quite sure what we were and we just said we would see where things lead. During the 10 days he was nothing short of great and it felt too good to be true. He made every effort to ensure that I saw all the sights that I wanted to see and to show me an insider's view to NYC and DC.
However after I left, things didn't go as well. We weren't communicating as much. At the very most I get a couple of messages from him a day and he usually disappears mid-sentence without any explanation. It kinda felt like he just fit me in whenever he was not at work or out. I spoke to him about this and it felt like he wanted to try still. But nothing changed and I finally got annoyed after an incident before Christmas. I had bought him a Christmas present and had it delivered to him. The delivery status stated that the package was left at the lobby of his apartment building so I had to message him to keep an eye out for it. He didn't bother to reply so I just assumed he was out. By midnight I still have not heard back from him and I messaged him again and said hey I am just gonna assume that you are at home and that you have gotten the package. I already know for a fact that he read my earlier messages and that he had gotten home already a couple of hours after my initial message to him (his skype only logs on when he switches on his laptop at home). I also told him I don't know why he is choosing to ignore my messages. He also read that email but didn't reply. The next morning he finally replied and said that his phone battery had died when he was out and that yes he got the package. He also said that he wants to take the weekend off and he is concerned that I can't seem to accept things the way it was and that it is hard enough without him constantly feeling like he is letting me down or causing me undue angst. Anyways, I got mad and wrote back an email in anger basically pointing out that it is not unrealistic for a girl to expect the guy to acknowledge a gift from her and that even if his phone ran out of juice when he was out, if he really wanted to he could have still messaged me when he got home and charged up his phone or switched on his laptop. Anyways, I didn't hear back from him after that and after the weekend I messaged him to apologise for the tone of the email. He didn't respond so I asked if we could talk to which he didn't respond either so I finally wrote to him and said that I guess he is done and dusted with the whole thing and that I am someone that he rather forget about. He then finally replied and said that he was not intentionally ignoring me but that he was just processing things. He also said he will be with his family (his parents) over the Christmas hols and that he just wanted to wish me a merry christmas. I thought his email just meant that he still needed time and space to think things through. A week later after New Year's I still did not hear back from him so I wrote to him saying that I thought his last email meant that we would speak eventually but I have not heard from you in awhile. I also said to him that he knows how to reach out to me if he feels like it but if you don't then I guess I know where you stand. I never heard back from him.
I am still struggling to come to terms with everything. I know it was not a significant relationship and I have been wondering why I am so hung up over him. I have a thousand and one questions in my mind. Him walking away without a word left me without any closure or explanation. It made me wonder how did I peg him so wrong? I never though he was someone who is so immature or would chose a coward's way out of an uncomfortable situation. And I questioned if he ever did like me at all. My gut feeling when I was in NYC and DC didn't tell me that he was playing with me. I honestly felt that he was being genuine.
It puzzles me how men can so easily switch their emotions on and off. One minute you were doing all these things for me, showing me how much you like me and the next you can just turn around and ignore me. I guess what hurts the most is that no matter what those 10 days would always mean something to me but for him it looks like it means absolutely nothing at all. And because he walked away without an explanation I can't help but wonder was it me? I can't help but wonder if I had been more patient, would his feelings eventually develop into something more which would then make him put in more effort or was I always just a game to him right from the beginning?
I have spent so much time trying to understand why I am so affected by what happened. It was not as though it was a long term relationship that ended.
Maybe that is why I am so bummed out? I don't know. Maybe it was the thought of losing a "hope". A hope that maybe just maybe you have met someone that you connected with and felt the same way about you. Or maybe I am feeling so hurt cause I thought he really liked me and for him to now act so callously shows that he never really cared at all. Guess I will never know the answer.
