Two months down the road.....

It's two months down the road after the break up and I still find myself discovering and learning new things. Today while talking to a friend I realised that I never actually acknowledged or admitted to myself that the way he treated me after the break up hurt me. I knew that the break up hurt. That I was hurt by him walking away from the relationship so easily, but I never acknowledged the fact that the way he treated me after the break up hurt me as well. For some reason it never sunk in that once you have broken up that person still has the power to hurt you. But they still can. It hurts to have someone who once seemed to care so much about you treat you so badly after you are no longer together. I guess acknowledging that is another piece of the puzzle falling into place.

Today instead of letting things get me down I decided to look at the positive side of things. Making lemonade out of lemons right? Instead of thinking about the break up, I should be glad that I am capable of loving someone. I always tell my friends, it is better to have loved and hurt than to have never loved at all. Instead of thinking of why did I let myself get hurt again, I should be proud that I still have faith in love and relationships to always keep trying. Instead of feeling like a fool for falling for him,  I should applaud myself for taking a chance on him. It takes courage to love someone and to open yourself up to them completely.

Who knows, the right guy may be around the corner. Or he may not be. I may meet plenty more of Mr. Wrongs before I meet my Mr. Right. All I know is I am excited about the adventures that awaits me.

Love at first sight

Do you believe in love at first sight? We all know that there is definitely such a thing as lust at first sight, but love at first sight? Most of us are skeptical about the existence of love at first sight. Rare as it may be I believe that it does exist. Just because it is a rarity does not mean that it can never happen. Just not everyone is lucky to experience it. 

What is definitely more common is falling for someone at first sight. An instant connection. An intense like for that person at first sight. This is usually when you instantly click with that person upon meeting him or her. In fact more than click. You have only just met this person but it feels like you have already known this person for ages!

Just a word of advise though - love at first sight or falling for someone at first sight does not necessarily mean that the relationship will last. Take your time to get to know that person a little bit better. Your first perception may not always be accurate. The fact that you have this insane chemistry with the other person is great as it make getting to know the other person so much more exciting and fun, but a relationship cannot last just based on chemistry.

When I met my ex that was exactly what I felt. I felt like I was falling for him at first sight. I was instantly attracted to his personality. He was funny (we shared the same sense of humour), he got along so easily with people that he had just met (even my friends thought he was great!) and we shared a lot of similar views (on life, love and just in general). I loved the fact that we were both equally as outgoing. And it felt like he could see past my exterior and knew who the real me was.

In hindsight I should have taken a bit more time to get to know him better before rushing into a relationship with him especially a LDR one. But the kind of chemistry we had swept the both of us up (or at least it did sweep me up). I don't remember feeling that excited or that passionately about someone before. Not in the last 10 years at least! I loved the way he made me feel. I wish I could say the same for him. I thought he felt exactly the same way, but the way he acted after the break up left me wondering.

Although it didn't work out, the fact that I felt that way made me believe again that magic does exist. Outwardly I may appear to be practical in nature but when it comes to love, I have always bought into the whole rom-com thing. I believe in a love worth fighting for. I believe in a crazy, carefree, intense kind of love. The kind where you are willing to give up anything for. But I guess after a string of failed relationships I began to lose hope. I started to just settle for companionship. After all, I am an independent woman perfectly capable of looking after herself, so who needs a partner in life, right? I couldn't have been more wrong and it took this relationship, the break up and all the hurt that came with it to make me realise that. In many ways I don't need a man in my life and yet in many ways I do. So I can't wait until magic strikes again but this time I will let it play out a bit longer and hopefully sometime in the near future I would meet my Mr. Right.

Who knows? Serendipity may just be waiting to happen.

Home Sweet Home

Am finally home. After 4 days in KL, I am glad to be home. Don't get me wrong. It was great catching up with my sister over the weekend, but I guess when you are still healing sometimes you prefer the familiarity of your own home. Of my own room.

While I was at the airport waiting to board my flight, I came across an interesting article in The Elite Daily :-

Never Really Gone : 17 Ways The Person Who Broke You Still Impacts You

Paul Hudson has done it again. Another article that I can totally relate to. When I first saw the title of the article my heart started to sink (I had initially thought that the article was about the difficulty of moving on) but as I read the article I realised that it actually is a glass half full article. Here are the 17 ways :-

1. You’re overcome with emotion, if only from time to time.

2. You look to all the good times when times get hard.

3. You measure everyone else by all the things you loved about your ex.

4. You learned what you’ll accept and what you won’t.

5. You dismiss potential relationships much sooner than the average person.

6. There’s a good chance you’re still trying to fill those cracks — most likely by less than ideal means.

7. People think you’re pessimistic; you think you’re realistic.

8. You know the next time you fall in love, you’ll make it work.

9. You’ve become more egocentric.

10. You’re likely to be even more driven than before.

11. You respect yourself more.

12. You consider the possibility true love doesn’t exist, but every fiber in your body hopes it does.

13. You think about second chances.

14. When other relationships don’t work out, your mind goes back to the one who broke you.

15. Some of the most basic, everyday things you do are influenced by that person’s memory.

16. Even though you’ve healed, there will always be scars.

17. You know that you found true love once; you can do it again.

After reading the article it gave me renewed hope. That everything will be just fine. The past will always be there. The scars even though healed will leave a mark. But that is all ok. I will be ok. It is always comforting to know that there is someone out there who seems to understand just exactly what you are going through. 

My very own happiness project

It's Sunday. The day after my doctor's appointment. My cousin has said that a scan in 4 months' time is fine and I shouldn't worry too much about it as most of the time the nodules are not harmful. This is something definitely beyond my control and worrying about it is not going to change anything. So let's just have faith and stay positive...:)

Anyways, I have been reading 2 books simultaneously (yeah, I know...sometimes I am weird that way...:)). I have been switching between "Life Without Limits" by Nick Vujivic and "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. Both are really good books and have made me reflect on a lot of things.

I know that despite my best efforts to move forward, I still have bouts of dwelling in the past and dwelling on unanswered questions. But I need to look forward to the possibility of something better and something more exciting waiting for me just around the corner. Yes, my 2015 is not turning out to be what I want it to be. But there is another 7 months to go, who knows what may happen, right? One thing is for sure, if I continue to stay in this funk of mine then it is almost a certainty the remainder of 2015 is not going to be so great either. Below are some excerpts from "Life Without Limits" which I found so true :-

"I have a choice. You have a choice. We can choose to dwell on disappointments and shortcomings. We can choose to be bitter, angry or sad. Or when faced with hard times and hurtful people, we can choose to learn from the experience and move forward, taking responsibility for our own happiness."

"Some injuries heal more quickly if you keep moving. The same is true of setbacks in life. Perhaps you lose your job. A relationship might not work out. Maybe the bills are piling up. Don't put your life on hold so that you can dwell on the unfairness of past hurts. Look instead for ways to move forward. Maybe there is a better job awaiting you that will be more fulfilling and rewarding. Your relationship may have needed a shake-up, or maybe there is someone better for you. Perhaps your financial challenges will inspire you to fine new creative ways to save and build wealth.

You can't always control what happens to you. There are some occurrences in life that are not your fault or within your power to stop. The choice you have is either to give up or to keep on striving for a better life. My advice is to know that everything happens for a reason and in the end good will come of it. "

Nick Vujicic's words above offer a measure of comfort to me. It reminds me of the ME that used to be more positive. More optimistic. The Me that used to have so much faith that everything happens for a reason. 

From today onwards I a going to try my best to move forward and take responsibility for my happiness. I choose not to be bitter, angry or sad (ok, maybe not being bitter or angry is easier. Am definitely going to have to work  harder on not being sad!). I guess the saying "that people can only hurt you if you let them" also holds true to some extent. But easier said than done I guess. Sometimes we can't control our emotions. But what we can do is to make sure that we don't stay hurt for long.

I may not see the bigger picture right now of why things with my ex ended up like this. But I do see small measures of it. It taught me the importance of being patient. To think before I react to a situation. It also made me realise certain things about myself and what I want out of life and relationships. It made me see things in a different way. I may not see the sense in why after having gone through 35 years of life blessed with good health (at the every most I catch a cold or come down with a cough twice a year!) I am all off a sudden confronted with so many health issues, but I do know one thing - life does not throw at you more than you can handle.

7 Rules of Life

7 Rules of Life

1. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

2. What others think of your is none of your business.

3. Time heals almost everything, give it time.

4. Don't compare your life to others and don't judge them. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

5. Stop thinking too much, it's alright not to know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it.

6. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.

7. Smile. You don't own all the problems in the world.

I came across the above on Facebook today and I realised that the only one that is screwing me up is No. 5. 

No. 1 - I never regret my past because it is what makes me who I am today. Good experiences, bad experiences, they all shape me into who I am today. 

No. 2 - Growing up I have learnt never to care what people think of you. As long as you know who you are, that is all that matters.

No. 3 - Yes. This is something that holds true. I have reached 36 years of age and time and time again I have learnt that given time, wounds will heal. Just a matter of how long.

No. 4 - No. I have never compared my life to others. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. No matter how perfect someone's life may seem from the outside, everyone has their own demons.

No. 6 - Yes. I am the master of my happiness.

No. 7 - Sometimes this may be hard to do. But I try.

Ok. Let's go back to No. 5. This is where my obsessive nature comes into play. Somehow to me it does not always feel alright to not have the answers. I guess I have to learn to let it go.

Anyways, can't write much today. Am dead tired to muster up much today. Been a crazy day. Had a 6:50 a.m. flight to catch. What time did I wake up? 5:50 a.m. Another one of life's ironies. On days where I don't have a flight to catch I will wake up in the middle of the night at like 4:00 a.m.! Mad rush to the airport. Luckily it was only for a day trip so I had not bag to check in and I had already checked in online. F1 driver all the way to the airport! Hahaha....

Anyways, signing off for today. Nite peeps!

A year of change

A YEAR OF CHANGE. This was something a really good friend of mine said to me this year. She knew that 2014 was not a great year for me in terms of work and relationship.

So when I got this new job in the beginning of this year, she said 2015 will be a year of change for me. And then I met my ex, and we thought hey, definitely a year of change. But look at what happened right? Isn't life just full of ironies? But my friend being ever the optimist, told me I am still heading in the right direction. 2105 will still be a year of change. I realised that I need to work on my temper issues and my realisation about what I want in terms of a relationship - she said those are all changes. And oh yeah, also me actually doing something about finally moving away from Malaysia.

And of course she reminded me, when one door closes another one opens. To my dearest friend, you know who you are...:) Thanks for the positive encouragement. God knows I will be needing plenty of those in the days to come.

I guess for now I am still reeling and healing from the break up and the events that unfolded after that. I wake up every morning feeling somewhat hollow. I don't think it's about missing him. I think it is more of having to pick up the pieces again. I think it is more the disappointment of having another relationship crash and burn especially when I finally thought I had something good going there. Oh well.

Meanwhile, I am trying to focus as much as I can on other things. Like getting my style blog up and running!

Making sense of the senseless....

What a last night this is turning out to be. I am now back in my hotel room ordering room service. Such a contrast to last night and this afternoon.

I had a great time last night and today afternoon. Turns out some other friends were also in Bali and one was staying at the hotel just up the road from where my hotel is. So I joined her and her boyfriend for dinner yesterday. The food was fantastic although the portions were somewhat small.

Dinner @ Legian Beach Hotel

Today my friends from Penang, Michelle and her bf, Ming, came into Kuta town to meet up for lunch with me and after lunch we went for a quick spa session.

The Crazy Trio

It was so refreshing to be around people where I could speak freely or where my presence does not annoy them. After spa they went back to their hotel and I went to meet up again with my group. They were by the beach surfing.

After they were done surfing, they wanted to sit there and catch the sunset. During the whole time, my ex did his best to exclude me from the group. I just kept quiet. I didn't have the energy to try and snatch the conversation back to my side. Then they wanted to go shop for a bit and then dinner. I didn't feel like it but my friend kept asking me to join. So I did and the whole time my ex was doing his passive-aggressive thing in excluding me. I finally had enough, told my friend that I am going back to the hotel and I just walked off. I really wanted to have a great last night with my friends, but I guess he won this round. I just didn't have it in me today to deal with this bullshit. Besides I will still see my friends when we are back in Penang.

My friends don't get it. But they don't realise that I am always excluded from the conversation cause they are happily chatting away with him without realising that I am not participating. I don't blame them. It's not their fault. But I grew tired of feeling like an outsider looking in. I don't know why he is acting this way. To go from falling for me to utterly despising me. I can understand people needing space after a break up but I cannot understand the need to be a complete jerk, Oh well.