Can't believe that today would be my last full day in Bali and I would be leaving this beautiful island tomorrow.
I am glad I came on this trip. I always knew that as difficult as this trip may be it was something that I had to do. I guess I wanted to come here for a closure of sorts. I have never been the girl who tries to runaway and hide from anything. I always feel that for me to be able to completely move on I have to face my demons and bury them once and for all. The need to deal with it now is to avoid it coming back to haunt me later on.
So, I came on this trip. I tried one last time to smooth things over with my ex. It didn't work. But at least I tried. It's funny, yesterday we were out for some water sports and from where I was seated I could see him having so much fun. I saw him smiling and laughing and I realised despite everything I was glad that he was enjoying himself.
At the end of the day, I will never wish him ill. I will always wish him well and wish him every happiness. One day we may be friends or we may never be. Who knows? But whatever it is, if and when he does want to be friends I will always be there. But for now we will fade into being complete strangers again. He is now another chapter in my life that has come to a close, although it is closed with a heavy heart.
Me
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Letting go....
I know I said that I would only update you guys on the status with my ex when I got back to Penang, but I guess right now I need an avenue. Things have not been going so well during the trip. It's not bad either but not good as well. Most of the times it feels like my very presence annoyed him.
So yesterday my friends has to off for a work thing and I was left alone with him. I asked him if he wanted to do dinner and he said he doesn't know. So anyways I tried to approach him to talk again so that the rest of the trip can be fun for both of us. The reaction that I got from him was so very spiteful. Basically this was how it went.
Me : Hey, can you meet me at the bar in the lobby? Things feel like they are a bit tense and we have until Tuesday to go...so thought we could talk?
Him : There's nothing to talk about. Not sure why you think there is something to talk about.
Me : Don't get me wrong...I mean I know ur stance on me being here and I am trying my best to make the situation bearable as possible but I honestly don't know why I seem to annoy you so much.
Him : You don't have to try anything. And I don't think anyone feels that the is not bearable other than you. So best just leave me alone. Thanks.
Me : Sigh fine. If this is how you want to be then fine.
Him : This always what I wanted. You are the one who wants to come.
Me : I came cause it's a break that I needed as well. So stop being selfish. I honestly don't know what I have done to wrong u so badly. But fine I will leave u alone. Nothing left for me to say I guess.
Him : If it's your vacation. Then enjoy yourself. I never ask you to deal with me. It's not my responsibility to keep you happy. U do whatever you want. So I'm not being selfish. Don't use that against me.
Me : OMG I never asked for you to keep me happy. Just forget it k. Forget i said anything.
Him : Anyways. That's it. Stop messaging me.
So, today I made the decision to let him go. I guess I have to let him go in the sense of him being my boyfriend but I was still hoping we could be friends. But He has made it very clear that he wants me out of his life. So I guess now I have to let him go as a friend as well, But at least I can look back and say I tried. From today onwards, I refuse to let him affect me anymore. Be it sad or angry or annoyed. He is someone that it is in my past and I need to look forward not backwards. For what it is worth I will always remember the crazy one month that we had. When for the briefest of moment I was incredibly happy and thought I was lucky to have him. I will always hold on to the good and let go of the bad. To not dwell. To not be bitter.
Anyways the good thing that came out of all this was that before I used to think I don't need a permanent long term relationship. I just needed someone who can be my companion. I gave up on trying to find the one who is right for me. My friends always tell me I just have not met the right person yet. So when I met this guy things changed for me and I realised that my friends were right. So now I realise that I want that kind of permanent relationship. Someone whom you are special too. Someone who thinks the world of you and vice versa. It has been awhile since someone could make me feel the way he did. Oh well. Such is life. I guess I just have to have faith that there is something better for me out there.
So yesterday my friends has to off for a work thing and I was left alone with him. I asked him if he wanted to do dinner and he said he doesn't know. So anyways I tried to approach him to talk again so that the rest of the trip can be fun for both of us. The reaction that I got from him was so very spiteful. Basically this was how it went.
Me : Hey, can you meet me at the bar in the lobby? Things feel like they are a bit tense and we have until Tuesday to go...so thought we could talk?
Him : There's nothing to talk about. Not sure why you think there is something to talk about.
Me : Don't get me wrong...I mean I know ur stance on me being here and I am trying my best to make the situation bearable as possible but I honestly don't know why I seem to annoy you so much.
Him : You don't have to try anything. And I don't think anyone feels that the is not bearable other than you. So best just leave me alone. Thanks.
Me : Sigh fine. If this is how you want to be then fine.
Him : This always what I wanted. You are the one who wants to come.
Me : I came cause it's a break that I needed as well. So stop being selfish. I honestly don't know what I have done to wrong u so badly. But fine I will leave u alone. Nothing left for me to say I guess.
Him : If it's your vacation. Then enjoy yourself. I never ask you to deal with me. It's not my responsibility to keep you happy. U do whatever you want. So I'm not being selfish. Don't use that against me.
Me : OMG I never asked for you to keep me happy. Just forget it k. Forget i said anything.
Him : Anyways. That's it. Stop messaging me.
So, today I made the decision to let him go. I guess I have to let him go in the sense of him being my boyfriend but I was still hoping we could be friends. But He has made it very clear that he wants me out of his life. So I guess now I have to let him go as a friend as well, But at least I can look back and say I tried. From today onwards, I refuse to let him affect me anymore. Be it sad or angry or annoyed. He is someone that it is in my past and I need to look forward not backwards. For what it is worth I will always remember the crazy one month that we had. When for the briefest of moment I was incredibly happy and thought I was lucky to have him. I will always hold on to the good and let go of the bad. To not dwell. To not be bitter.
Anyways the good thing that came out of all this was that before I used to think I don't need a permanent long term relationship. I just needed someone who can be my companion. I gave up on trying to find the one who is right for me. My friends always tell me I just have not met the right person yet. So when I met this guy things changed for me and I realised that my friends were right. So now I realise that I want that kind of permanent relationship. Someone whom you are special too. Someone who thinks the world of you and vice versa. It has been awhile since someone could make me feel the way he did. Oh well. Such is life. I guess I just have to have faith that there is something better for me out there.
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