The Great Tinder Experiment

Ok. So I did it. I joined the online dating community. I actually signed up for Tinder and OK Cupid. What transpired left me in stitches.

Let's review Tinder first. Am definitely not surprised that Tinder is used more for hook-ups then for anything else. You don't really get to write much about yourself. You are only given 500 words or so to describe yourself and everything else is based on the photos that you post on Tinder. Since I was not gonna pay for Tinder Plus,  I could only search for those who are within 100 km of where I am. For those of you who don't know how Tinder works, you will be shown a bunch of pictures. If you swipe right it means you like them. If you swipe left it means you have no interest in the guy. So if a guy that you swiped right too also swiped right on your photo, then you guys can start chatting. I don't mean to diss Malaysian men but honestly some of the photos posted just left me wondering about what those guys were thinking! If you were gonna go on a dating site, you could choose a better photo. Some of them look downright sloppy! Needless to say, I didn't swipe right to any of the guys. Call me superfical to judge someone based on looks, but on Tinder that's all you can do!

So, next I went on to OK Cupid (or OKC for short). So for this, you are given a bunch of questions to answer as part of your profile. It may not tell you the whole story about the other person. In fact it could all even be a bunch of lies. But it can at least give you a sense of whether that person has a sense of humor or is even remotely interesting. Based on your answer, OKC will then match you with guys who they think could be a good match for you. You can limit your search to your area or you can even search worldwide. I find OKC a much more interesting and effective dating app. Not that I actually went on any dates. I just found it interesting to read the profiles on it. But I have definitely drawn a conclusion. There is a huge difference between the Chinese that are born and raised in Asian countries and those who are born and raised in western countries. Here are some of them :-

(a) the AC (Asian Chinese) always try to get the conversation started with pick-up lines, some of which are so damn cheesy. The Western Chinese (WC) will just generally ask you how your day was etc.
(b) the ACs don't take that much pride in what they wear and somehow lacks a certain level of confidence. The WCs are well dressed even when in jeans and a plain t-shirt and their self-assurance always comes across in the photos.
(c) the AC's lack individualism and their profiles are usually a bore to read. The profiles of a WC are generally more humourous and interesting to read.

I may be over-generalising but the above is what I discovered as well in my interactions here in Malaysia with the Chinese as compared to my interactions with the British born Chinese from my days in the UK.

I find that I identify better with the WCs than the ACs. My personality and character is quite strong and most ACs don't really like those qualities in their girls. Oh well, C'est la Vie!

Musings on a lazy Sunday afternoon

I caught San Andreas in the theatres over the weekend. Can't resist a movie with The Rock in it. Have loved him ever since his WWE days (yes I watch wrestling). I have to say he has transitioned really well onto the big screen.

Anyways, the movie is set mainly in San Franciso, so obviously certain memories associated with my ex came rushing back into my mind. And you know what? It's ok. Those memories no longer give me a stabbing pain in my heart. It's something that I can push away relatively easily now as compared to before. Question is, why do these memories still come back or why do I still associate certain things with him so easily? Honestly, I don't have the answer to that but I have learned to just accept that it is what it is. There is no fighting or denying the fact that I was crazy about him. Initially I wanted to deny that I fell for someone so quickly. I guess that was my ego talking. But facts are facts and no matter how much you protest, the truth will always remain the truth.

I am now more able to look back at the whole incident and approach it in a more objective manner. But no matter how objective I try to be, one fact still remains. The type of guy that I am looking for, the type of guy that makes my heart skips a beat will have to have a lot of similar qualities to my ex. Not his douchebag qualities of course, but those parts of him that could make me laugh or knew me so well. Those parts of him which clicked so well with me. You can call me a sucker but like I said it is what it is.

I won't lie. I still do harbour hopes that we can be friends again one day. He will be back in January and if he still does not want to have anything to do with me then, it will make for an ackward situation as I am still hanging out with some of his closest friends. We shall see.

Photograph by Ed Sheeran

Ed Sheeran has done it again. Deep down I am a hopeless romantic and the lyrics of his songs always speak to that side of me. Loving his latest single. Check it out girls (and guys)!

Loving can hurt

Loving can hurt sometimes

But it's the only thing that I know

When it gets hard

You know it can get hard sometimes

It is the only thing that makes us feel alive

We keep this love in a photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Hearts are never broken

Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket

Of your ripped jeans

Holdin' me closer

'Til our eyes meet

You won't ever be alone

Wait for me to come home

Loving can heal

Loving can mend your soul

And it's the only thing that I know (know)

I swear it will get easier

Remember that with every piece of ya

And it's the only thing we take with us when we die

We keep this love in this photograph

We made these memories for ourselves

Where our eyes are never closing

Our hearts were never broken

Times forever frozen still

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket

Of your ripped jeans

Holdin' me closer

'Til our eyes meet

You won't ever be alone

And if you hurt me

That's OK, baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won't ever let you go

Wait for me to come home [4x]

Oh you can fit me

Inside the necklace you got when you were 16

Next to your heartbeat

Where I should be

Keep it deep within your soul

And if you hurt me

Well, that's OK, baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won't ever let you go

When I'm away

I will remember how you kissed me

Under the lamppost

Back on 6th street

Hearing you whisper through the phone,

"Wait for me to come home."

To Tinder or Not To Tinder

One day, one of my fellow singleton BFF suggested that I try Tinder. My friend suggested Tinder because I was lamenting the fact that it's hard to meet anyone new in this town.  She tried it and thought it was a great way to meet new people. Ever since then I have been toying with the idea. I have yet to take the plunge - being afraid of who or even what I would find in Tinder. Will it be filled with weirdos? If yes, would I then be considered one too? Will it be filled with guys only looking for a fling or even a ONS? Don't get me wrong, I am not placing my hopes in finding THE ONE on Tinder, but neither do I want to have to deal with guys who only want flings or ONSs.

Feel free to share your thoughts (or experience) on this whole online dating culture.

Smart women, stupid relationship decisions

Have you ever wondered why is it that no matter how smart a woman is she still tends to make crazy stupid relationship decisions? Somehow when it comes to men, our smarts go out the window! We hold on to those who don't deserve us. We spend our time on those who do not even deserve a single minute of it.

I have seen this happen to so many of my accomplished girlfriends. These are attractive, smart, independent women. Some of them get stuck in abusive relationships for years. Some of them invest so much of their time on someone who can barely even spare a minute of his time for her. Some of them get caught up in the vicious cycle of being with a serial cheater. Heck, if you don't believe me just look at Hollywood! Look at Rihanna and Chris Brown. Selina Gomez and Justin Bieber. Ok, maybe not the best examples but you get my drift.

Why is it that when it comes to men we tend to forget our self worth? Why is it that when someone tells us that we deserve better we never believe them (and they usually end up being right)? What is it about our biological make up that makes us fall so deeply for the ones that are soooooo bad for us? But I guess all these bad relationships are there to teach us a lesson. I read somewhere once that it takes bad relationships for us to have a good relationship. Somehow that makes sense.

Oh well. Nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to the best of us!

But the next time you find yourself getting caught up in the web of a guy who is soooo totally not worth it, just remember this....

#LoveWins

Yay for love! A new landmark ruling passed by the Supreme Court of the US of A has legalized gay marriage nationwide. This historic ruling has not exactly found favor in all quarters though. It certainly has gotten everyone talking. From my Facebook newsfeed alone I can see the divided opinions of my friends and acquaintances. As for me, I am 100% in favor of the decision and applaud the 5 supreme court judges for their courage in doing so. Thanks to them the gay community in the USA can now enjoy the same rights that heterosexuals do.

You may have a different viewpoint from me and that is ok. But hear me out. 

What is so wrong with allowing gay marriage? Does it create social ills? I don't see how it does. Most importantly how does a union between two homosexuals affect you and your life? I don't see how it does. It may offend your sensitivities but that is your problem, not theirs.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I do not believe that our sexual orientation is a choice that we make in our life. We don't wake up one day and go "Oh, I think I am going to be gay from this day forward." I believe that we are born to be what we are. Those who use religion as an argument seems to use it to their advantage whenever it pleases them (one of the reasons why I have stayed away from any religion).  I thought most religions preach tolerance, understanding and love. I thought most religion teaches you not to judge others.

In any event, what right do we have to deny others their happiness? What right do we have to deny others their right to a fulfilling relationship that ends in marriage? Straight or gay, as long as the union is between two consulting adults, I don't see how that is anyone else's business but theirs.

Picture courtesy of the Associated Press - Evan Vucci

#LoveWins

Too beautiful to not share

Came across this on Pinterest (love that site!) and it was just too beautiful not to share! To my friends who are stuck with a partner who is not treating you well, to all of you out there who are settling for less, let this be a reminder to you about the way you deserved to be loved. Remember this - if you never let go of the the wrong one, you will never find the right one. 

Call me naive....

Do you believe in fairytales and happily ever after? Well, I do. Call me naive, but there is nothing wrong in wanting the best that you deserve. Why settle for anything less? I am not saying that I believe in Mr. Perfect. But I do believe in Mr. Right. Below is an article that I came across in The Elite Daily. Don't take it too literally but the gist of the article is something that we should all strive for when it comes to relationships.

Why You Deserve Someone Who Will Give You The World And Nothing Less

BY SONYA MATEJKO
There are many things we may settle for in life: the meal that has fewer calories, the bad job in the right city or maybe the clothes on the sale rack. The one thing we should never settle for, however, is love.

There are many average things in life, but love should not be one of them. Through the masses of mediocre, common and run-of-the-mill things that we experience day by day, love should certainly defy them all.

We should never settle for someone who could walk away and not turn back. We should never settle for someone who doesn’t recognize what he is holding when embracing our hands or someone who doesn’t remind us every day of how much we mean to him.

What you truly deserve, well, is everything.

What you deserve is someone missing you the moment you walk out the door, even if you’ll only be gone a moment.

You deserve someone who may not believe in fairytales, but who treats you like a princess simply because that’s what you are to him.

You deserve someone who will challenge you instead of just giving in. Someone who will share his honest thoughts with you because you’re going to share your honest lives together; yet, someone who knows how to forgive and to be happy instead of right.

You deserve that epic passion that “50 Shades of Grey” doesn’t even cover: a spark that never goes dim, eyes that only turn to you and the need to feel your touch whenever you’re around. You deserve a passion that awakens your inner being and intertwines your hearts into one.

You deserve to always feel wanted, to never doubt for a moment how your significant other feels about you.

You deserve to never waver for a second that the future consists of you together, both looking forward. You deserve the safety that encompasses you like a wave, sometimes in a swell, but forever coasting.

You deserve every birthday remembered and every holiday embraced. You deserve effort behind any gift, even if it’s a flower picked up from the sidewalk on the way home.

You deserve a thought behind every word, especially when saying goodbye. You deserve letters, notes and Post-Its that remind you how special you are to him on any given day.

You deserve to be held with tenderness. You deserve that earth-shattering kiss; the one that you need to stay alive and the one that is your sole nourishment for survival.

It breaks all bounds and you lose yourself in it every time. Your mind can’t find the difference between present, past and future because in that moment, time does not exist. You’re adrift between the taste of love and the feeling of forever.

You deserve to be introduced to friends as if you were the rarest thing on earth. You deserve to be brought into a room with pride in hand that he is so blessed to be standing beside you.

You deserve someone who would always choose the seat next to you and would never need to brag about how lucky he is because anyone could see it clearly in his face when he looks at you.

You deserve something that isn’t easy; a love that is hard, but you tough it out together. You learn through your battles and you start to fight them together.

You stand your ground, but you stand beside each other doing so. You deserve to be tested in your limits because it’s at the edge where you discover the greatest faith.

You deserve a true and epic love, nothing short of the above. You deserve to be someone’s dream come true, never someone’s afterthought. You deserve to walk on air and walk on fire at the same time because the very best things in life are not easy.

Yes, you deserve it all, but that person out there in the world deserves it, too. He deserves the girl in his arm to encompass everything he ever wanted.

You yourself must justify the love you think you deserve. So be the person that deserves the world, and the world will bring you that love.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that if the guy does not leave you love notes, you should ditch him. But honestly the one thing I have come to realise is that I shouldn't be the only one in the relationship who feels lucky to be with the guy I am with. The guy too should feel lucky to have me. Not just lucky when things are going well, but lucky to have me even with all my flaws and imperfection. To stay and fight with me to make things work no matter how difficult the relationship may get.

All I am saying is, don't settle. Don't settle for less than your expectations. Don't settle for a guy who does not think the world of you. Don't settle for a guy who does not love you the way you deserved to be loved. Don't settle for a guy who would not fight for your love. Don't settle for a guy who would not fight for your relationship.

Reflections

A couple of days ago I had the sweetest message from my friend. You remember the girl that I mentioned that was moving over to Germany? This is what she said to me :

"Thank you for being such a good friend to me. I am glad that she knows me and wishes that I will get what I am looking for someday."

I too have been extremely fortunate to have her as a friend. I like her straight talking way and her honesty. A true friend is someone who tells you the truth even when it hurts. 

She then asked me if I am over my ex. I don't know if I am 100% over the whole thing (be it him or the relationship or the break-up) but I do know the I am no longer engulfed by an overwhelming sense of loneliness. I still remember my last trip to KL and despite having a roomate at the hotel and subsequently staying with my sister, all I wantd to do was to come home to my own room in my own home. But this trip, eventhough I was the only one staying at the hotel, I was perfectly fine. I didn't feel overwhelmed by my situation or by loneliness.

She said she was glad that I met my ex and went through what I went through cause it made me realise what I really wanted. And it's true. It made me take a deeper and longer look at myself and where my life was headed. Through it all I am slowly finding my way back to me. I have always been a positive person. The type of girl who always believe that everything happens for a reason. The girl who always sees the silver lining in every cloud. The kind of girl who will never settle for anything less. But in 2013 and 2014 I kinda lost my way. I lost who I was. I became a tad bit cynical and walls were built around me. And I settled. I settled for relationships where I couldn't really get hurt that badly. I settled for relationships where there no expectations of long term commitment.

With my ex, I let the walls come down. I opened myself up. I got hurt pretty bad. But knowing that I can get hurt and I still came out of it ok is a reminder of how strong I am. How strong I have always been. It gives me hope. I am getting my faith back and I don't feel the need to runaway from my problems. I can face them head on and still walk away standing.

I have recovered my faith that got lost along the way. My faith that everything happens for a reason. My faith in fate - that fate has a plan for me. My faith in faith itself.

So yes, the break up hurt. Yes it took me awhile to start healing from it. It took me awhile to finally let go of him. But I wouldn't change a thing.

Doing just fine

Sorry. I know I have been MIA for the past couple of days. Had a bad headache which lasted for 2 days. I think it is leading up to me falling sick. Feel a cold coming. Damn. Anyways, the headache is gone, so here I am.

Today, I decided to do a kind of a progress check - to see how far I have come since the break-up. I know. I know. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking here we go again. Will this girl shut up and get over it already!

I think there finally is some real progress. The memories still surface every now and then but I realised that it does not hurt as much to remember them. The hurtful memories are fading away into the background. The good ones remain and it does not make my heart ache as much as it used to. After the Bali trip the memories of what we used to have would make my heart ache so bad and the memories from the Bali trip would leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Now, I have made peace with the past and those same memories do not stir up such strong emotions in me anymore. I guess each person that comes into your life, regardless of whether they stay for a short time only or for a longer period of time, leaves a mark on you. Every experience leaves an impression.

I am glad to know that I am finally healing. I hate it when I am unhappy and I get extremely frustrated with myself when I can't pick myself up fast enough. But time will always work its magic and over time, everything will get better. I may not be mended back 100% but that's fine by me. No one is perfect. Everyone is broken in some way or another.

Two months down the road.....

It's two months down the road after the break up and I still find myself discovering and learning new things. Today while talking to a friend I realised that I never actually acknowledged or admitted to myself that the way he treated me after the break up hurt me. I knew that the break up hurt. That I was hurt by him walking away from the relationship so easily, but I never acknowledged the fact that the way he treated me after the break up hurt me as well. For some reason it never sunk in that once you have broken up that person still has the power to hurt you. But they still can. It hurts to have someone who once seemed to care so much about you treat you so badly after you are no longer together. I guess acknowledging that is another piece of the puzzle falling into place.

Today instead of letting things get me down I decided to look at the positive side of things. Making lemonade out of lemons right? Instead of thinking about the break up, I should be glad that I am capable of loving someone. I always tell my friends, it is better to have loved and hurt than to have never loved at all. Instead of thinking of why did I let myself get hurt again, I should be proud that I still have faith in love and relationships to always keep trying. Instead of feeling like a fool for falling for him,  I should applaud myself for taking a chance on him. It takes courage to love someone and to open yourself up to them completely.

Who knows, the right guy may be around the corner. Or he may not be. I may meet plenty more of Mr. Wrongs before I meet my Mr. Right. All I know is I am excited about the adventures that awaits me.

Me and my maybes

Ever since feeling overwhelmed when I was in KL, I have had this feeling of restlessness and heavy heartedness. I can't quite pinpoint the reason why, I just know something is weighing on me.

Maybe it is because one of my closest friend is moving to Germany soon. She has been one of my closest confidante and has always been there for me in the past couple of years and I will definitely miss her.

Maybe it is because of my feeling of growing discontent at being in a place where I don't feel like I really fit it. Tired of feeling like a square peg in a round hole and no one seems to understand me when I tell them that I feel that way. They all seem to claim to know me better. That I am feeling this way because of the recent upset in my life. Tired of trying to make them understand why I ended up in Penang and ended up staying here till now.

Maybe it is because I can't help but wonder why I am struggling so much when my ex seems to be perfectly fine (or at least I assume he is).

Maybe it is because I am slightly envious of my friend who is moving away. She is moving to Germany because her boyfriend has been re-located there for work. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for her. Her boyfriend is great. But a tiny part of me envies what she has. It is something that I want too.

Maybe it is because I miss knowing that someone (and by someone I mean a significant other) is thinking of me. That the mere thought of me puts a smile on his face. I miss knowing that I mean something to someone. Something special. I miss knowing that someone (and once again I stress that by someone I mean a significant other) loves me. Most importantly I miss feeling that way about someone. I miss smiling at the mere thought of that person. I miss having someone special in my life. I miss loving someone.

Maybe it is because I am afraid of what the future holds for me. It is not often that I meet a guy who sweeps me off my feet, that I felt so intensely for in such a short period of time. It has happened far less than 5 times in my entire life and the last time it happened was easily more than 10 years ago and trust me I have dated my fair share (if not more!) of men. My one advise that I have always given my friends is this :-

Think about the guy/girl that you loved the most. Do you love your current bf/gf as much if not more than that ex? 

If the answer is yes, then the relationship is probably worth fighting for. If the answer is no, then maybe you want to re-look into things.

Not saying that the above is the absolute rule. But for me, it is important. So maybe that is why I am afraid. What if I don't meet a guy anytime soon that gives me that kind of exhilarating crazy intense passion? I know some people tell me "find a guy who loves you more than you love him". That may be the right approach for some people. But it is not for me. I need to love a guy as much as he loves me. When I don't the relationship always falters. So, it is not just about meeting a guy who is crazy about me. Question is, will I be just as crazy about him?