Musings on a lazy Sunday afternoon

I caught San Andreas in the theatres over the weekend. Can't resist a movie with The Rock in it. Have loved him ever since his WWE days (yes I watch wrestling). I have to say he has transitioned really well onto the big screen.

Anyways, the movie is set mainly in San Franciso, so obviously certain memories associated with my ex came rushing back into my mind. And you know what? It's ok. Those memories no longer give me a stabbing pain in my heart. It's something that I can push away relatively easily now as compared to before. Question is, why do these memories still come back or why do I still associate certain things with him so easily? Honestly, I don't have the answer to that but I have learned to just accept that it is what it is. There is no fighting or denying the fact that I was crazy about him. Initially I wanted to deny that I fell for someone so quickly. I guess that was my ego talking. But facts are facts and no matter how much you protest, the truth will always remain the truth.

I am now more able to look back at the whole incident and approach it in a more objective manner. But no matter how objective I try to be, one fact still remains. The type of guy that I am looking for, the type of guy that makes my heart skips a beat will have to have a lot of similar qualities to my ex. Not his douchebag qualities of course, but those parts of him that could make me laugh or knew me so well. Those parts of him which clicked so well with me. You can call me a sucker but like I said it is what it is.

I won't lie. I still do harbour hopes that we can be friends again one day. He will be back in January and if he still does not want to have anything to do with me then, it will make for an ackward situation as I am still hanging out with some of his closest friends. We shall see.

Smart women, stupid relationship decisions

Have you ever wondered why is it that no matter how smart a woman is she still tends to make crazy stupid relationship decisions? Somehow when it comes to men, our smarts go out the window! We hold on to those who don't deserve us. We spend our time on those who do not even deserve a single minute of it.

I have seen this happen to so many of my accomplished girlfriends. These are attractive, smart, independent women. Some of them get stuck in abusive relationships for years. Some of them invest so much of their time on someone who can barely even spare a minute of his time for her. Some of them get caught up in the vicious cycle of being with a serial cheater. Heck, if you don't believe me just look at Hollywood! Look at Rihanna and Chris Brown. Selina Gomez and Justin Bieber. Ok, maybe not the best examples but you get my drift.

Why is it that when it comes to men we tend to forget our self worth? Why is it that when someone tells us that we deserve better we never believe them (and they usually end up being right)? What is it about our biological make up that makes us fall so deeply for the ones that are soooooo bad for us? But I guess all these bad relationships are there to teach us a lesson. I read somewhere once that it takes bad relationships for us to have a good relationship. Somehow that makes sense.

Oh well. Nothing to be ashamed of. It happens to the best of us!

But the next time you find yourself getting caught up in the web of a guy who is soooo totally not worth it, just remember this....

Doing just fine

Sorry. I know I have been MIA for the past couple of days. Had a bad headache which lasted for 2 days. I think it is leading up to me falling sick. Feel a cold coming. Damn. Anyways, the headache is gone, so here I am.

Today, I decided to do a kind of a progress check - to see how far I have come since the break-up. I know. I know. Some of you are probably rolling your eyes and thinking here we go again. Will this girl shut up and get over it already!

I think there finally is some real progress. The memories still surface every now and then but I realised that it does not hurt as much to remember them. The hurtful memories are fading away into the background. The good ones remain and it does not make my heart ache as much as it used to. After the Bali trip the memories of what we used to have would make my heart ache so bad and the memories from the Bali trip would leave a bitter taste in my mouth. Now, I have made peace with the past and those same memories do not stir up such strong emotions in me anymore. I guess each person that comes into your life, regardless of whether they stay for a short time only or for a longer period of time, leaves a mark on you. Every experience leaves an impression.

I am glad to know that I am finally healing. I hate it when I am unhappy and I get extremely frustrated with myself when I can't pick myself up fast enough. But time will always work its magic and over time, everything will get better. I may not be mended back 100% but that's fine by me. No one is perfect. Everyone is broken in some way or another.

A year of change

A YEAR OF CHANGE. This was something a really good friend of mine said to me this year. She knew that 2014 was not a great year for me in terms of work and relationship.

So when I got this new job in the beginning of this year, she said 2015 will be a year of change for me. And then I met my ex, and we thought hey, definitely a year of change. But look at what happened right? Isn't life just full of ironies? But my friend being ever the optimist, told me I am still heading in the right direction. 2105 will still be a year of change. I realised that I need to work on my temper issues and my realisation about what I want in terms of a relationship - she said those are all changes. And oh yeah, also me actually doing something about finally moving away from Malaysia.

And of course she reminded me, when one door closes another one opens. To my dearest friend, you know who you are...:) Thanks for the positive encouragement. God knows I will be needing plenty of those in the days to come.

I guess for now I am still reeling and healing from the break up and the events that unfolded after that. I wake up every morning feeling somewhat hollow. I don't think it's about missing him. I think it is more of having to pick up the pieces again. I think it is more the disappointment of having another relationship crash and burn especially when I finally thought I had something good going there. Oh well.

Meanwhile, I am trying to focus as much as I can on other things. Like getting my style blog up and running!

Making sense of the senseless....

What a last night this is turning out to be. I am now back in my hotel room ordering room service. Such a contrast to last night and this afternoon.

I had a great time last night and today afternoon. Turns out some other friends were also in Bali and one was staying at the hotel just up the road from where my hotel is. So I joined her and her boyfriend for dinner yesterday. The food was fantastic although the portions were somewhat small.

Dinner @ Legian Beach Hotel

Today my friends from Penang, Michelle and her bf, Ming, came into Kuta town to meet up for lunch with me and after lunch we went for a quick spa session.

The Crazy Trio

It was so refreshing to be around people where I could speak freely or where my presence does not annoy them. After spa they went back to their hotel and I went to meet up again with my group. They were by the beach surfing.

After they were done surfing, they wanted to sit there and catch the sunset. During the whole time, my ex did his best to exclude me from the group. I just kept quiet. I didn't have the energy to try and snatch the conversation back to my side. Then they wanted to go shop for a bit and then dinner. I didn't feel like it but my friend kept asking me to join. So I did and the whole time my ex was doing his passive-aggressive thing in excluding me. I finally had enough, told my friend that I am going back to the hotel and I just walked off. I really wanted to have a great last night with my friends, but I guess he won this round. I just didn't have it in me today to deal with this bullshit. Besides I will still see my friends when we are back in Penang.

My friends don't get it. But they don't realise that I am always excluded from the conversation cause they are happily chatting away with him without realising that I am not participating. I don't blame them. It's not their fault. But I grew tired of feeling like an outsider looking in. I don't know why he is acting this way. To go from falling for me to utterly despising me. I can understand people needing space after a break up but I cannot understand the need to be a complete jerk, Oh well.

Closure of sorts....

Can't believe that today would be my last full day in Bali and I would be leaving this beautiful island tomorrow.

I am glad I came on this trip. I always knew that as difficult as this trip may be it was something that I had to do. I guess I wanted to come here for a closure of sorts. I have never been the girl who tries to runaway and hide from anything. I always feel that for me to be able to completely move on I have to face my demons and bury them once and for all. The need to deal with it now is to avoid it coming back to haunt me later on.

So, I came on this trip. I tried one last time to smooth things over with my ex. It didn't work. But at least I tried. It's funny, yesterday we were out for some water sports and from where I was seated I could see him having so much fun. I saw him smiling and laughing and I realised despite everything I was glad that he was enjoying himself.

At the end of the day, I will never wish him ill. I will always wish him well and wish him every happiness. One day we may be friends or we may never be. Who knows? But whatever it is, if and when he does want to be friends I will always be there. But for now we will fade into being complete strangers again. He is now another chapter in my life that has come to a close, although it is closed with a heavy heart.

Letting go....

I know I said that I would only update you guys on the status with my ex when I got back to Penang, but I guess right now I need an avenue. Things have not been going so well during the trip. It's not bad either but not good as well. Most of the times it feels like my very presence annoyed him.

So yesterday my friends has to off for a work thing and I was left alone with him. I asked him if he wanted to do dinner and he said he doesn't know. So anyways I tried to approach him to talk again so that the rest of the trip can be fun for both of us. The reaction that I got from him was so very spiteful. Basically this was how it went.

Me : Hey, can you meet me at the bar in the lobby? Things feel like they are a bit tense and we have until Tuesday to go...so thought we could talk?

Him : There's nothing to talk about. Not sure why you think there is something to talk about.

Me : Don't get me wrong...I mean I know ur stance on me being here and I am trying my best to make the situation bearable as possible but I honestly don't know why I seem to annoy you so much.

Him : You don't have to try anything. And I don't think anyone feels that the is not bearable other than you. So best just leave me alone. Thanks.

Me : Sigh fine. If this is how you want to be then fine.

Him : This always what I wanted. You are the one who wants to come.

Me : I came cause it's a break that I needed as well. So stop being selfish. I honestly don't know what I have done to wrong u so badly. But fine I will leave u alone. Nothing left for me to say I guess.

Him : If it's your vacation. Then enjoy yourself. I never ask you to deal with me. It's not my responsibility to keep you happy. U do whatever you want. So I'm not being selfish. Don't use that against me.

Me : OMG I never asked for you to keep me happy. Just forget it k. Forget i said anything.

Him : Anyways. That's it. Stop messaging me.

So, today I made the decision to let him go. I guess I have to let him go in the sense of him being my boyfriend but I was still hoping we could be friends. But He has made it very clear that he wants me out of his life. So I guess now I have to let him go as a friend as well, But at least I can look back and say I tried. From today onwards, I refuse to let him affect me anymore. Be it sad or angry or annoyed. He is someone that it is in my past and I need to look forward not backwards. For what it is worth I will always remember the crazy one month that we had. When for the briefest of moment I was incredibly happy and thought I was lucky to have him. I will always hold on to the good and let go of the bad. To not dwell. To not be bitter.

Anyways the good thing that came out of all this was that before I used to think I don't need a permanent long term relationship. I just needed someone who can be my companion. I gave up on trying to find the one who is right for me. My friends always tell me I just have not met the right person yet. So when I met this guy things changed for me and I realised that my friends were right. So now I realise that I want that kind of permanent relationship. Someone whom you are special too. Someone who thinks the world of you and vice versa. It has been awhile since someone could make me feel the way he did. Oh well. Such is life. I guess I just have to have faith that there is something better for me out there.

Day 3 in Bali

Woke up today to a beautiful morning. Hope the weather stays like this. Hopefully his mood improves to coz I don't think I can stand another day of walking on egg shells and biting my tongue. Wish me luck!!!!