Home Sweet Home

Am finally home. After 4 days in KL, I am glad to be home. Don't get me wrong. It was great catching up with my sister over the weekend, but I guess when you are still healing sometimes you prefer the familiarity of your own home. Of my own room.

While I was at the airport waiting to board my flight, I came across an interesting article in The Elite Daily :-

Never Really Gone : 17 Ways The Person Who Broke You Still Impacts You

Paul Hudson has done it again. Another article that I can totally relate to. When I first saw the title of the article my heart started to sink (I had initially thought that the article was about the difficulty of moving on) but as I read the article I realised that it actually is a glass half full article. Here are the 17 ways :-

1. You’re overcome with emotion, if only from time to time.

2. You look to all the good times when times get hard.

3. You measure everyone else by all the things you loved about your ex.

4. You learned what you’ll accept and what you won’t.

5. You dismiss potential relationships much sooner than the average person.

6. There’s a good chance you’re still trying to fill those cracks — most likely by less than ideal means.

7. People think you’re pessimistic; you think you’re realistic.

8. You know the next time you fall in love, you’ll make it work.

9. You’ve become more egocentric.

10. You’re likely to be even more driven than before.

11. You respect yourself more.

12. You consider the possibility true love doesn’t exist, but every fiber in your body hopes it does.

13. You think about second chances.

14. When other relationships don’t work out, your mind goes back to the one who broke you.

15. Some of the most basic, everyday things you do are influenced by that person’s memory.

16. Even though you’ve healed, there will always be scars.

17. You know that you found true love once; you can do it again.

After reading the article it gave me renewed hope. That everything will be just fine. The past will always be there. The scars even though healed will leave a mark. But that is all ok. I will be ok. It is always comforting to know that there is someone out there who seems to understand just exactly what you are going through. 

My lightbulb moment

I finally had my lightbulb moment today. You know, the moment when something finally clicks and and things begin to make sense? Yeah, well I had that today.

If you have been following my blog you will know that I have been stuck for the longest time trying to figure out how my ex could change so much and so fast (i.e. to go from being the sweetest guy to me to being a total jerk post break-up). Anyways, today I finally realised that probably underneath all that he is not a very nice guy. If someone was truly nice, I figured they would be nice regardless of the circumstance. Don't get me wrong, am not saying that he is a bad person. Just that maybe he is a tad bit selfish and self-absorbed which led him to handle the whole thing so badly. Of course he was nice to me in the first month, we were a couple and that is when you are usually on your best behaviour, right?

So yeah, that's me...a bit slow on the uptake when it came to this whole break-up fiasco. So now that the lights have been switched on, let's hope it stays on.

That's all for today...:)

Hmmmmm......

Today, a friend of mine sent over an article for me to read. He ever so wisely thought that it may be of relevance to me. It proved to be an interesting read:

You Don't Miss the Person, You Miss The Idea of the Person

It kinda struck a chord with me. I guess I can relate to what the article is saying.

Yesterday was a not so great a day for me. I guess some days are harder than others. Yesterday I reflected upon my trip to Bali and felt somewhat sad for myself. I was also mad at myself cause I could not help but wonder why am I still so hung up over this whole thing. Why is it so hard for me to just jump right back up? What exactly is holding me back? Am I not pushing myself hard enough?

I am someone who is confident in myself. I do not and never have suffered from low self-esteem. And when a relationship ends I am usually quite capable to seeing where the problem lies. Whether it is my fault or not. But somehow with this one, I seem stuck. And now I am gonna ponder out loud something that has been swirling around in my head - Was there anything else that I could have done so that things didn't end up this way? Everyone tells me, there was nothing that I could have done. That I have done my best. I have even done my best to try and be friends. That even if I had not lost my temper that day, the relationship would not have worked out, that it was only a matter of time before he bailed regardless.

So I guess it was only apt that I came across this on twitter 5 minutes ago :-

#WednesdayWisdom pic.twitter.com/YYUL1wyWYV

— Elite Daily (@EliteDaily) May 13, 2015

Making sense of the senseless....

What a last night this is turning out to be. I am now back in my hotel room ordering room service. Such a contrast to last night and this afternoon.

I had a great time last night and today afternoon. Turns out some other friends were also in Bali and one was staying at the hotel just up the road from where my hotel is. So I joined her and her boyfriend for dinner yesterday. The food was fantastic although the portions were somewhat small.

Dinner @ Legian Beach Hotel

Today my friends from Penang, Michelle and her bf, Ming, came into Kuta town to meet up for lunch with me and after lunch we went for a quick spa session.

The Crazy Trio

It was so refreshing to be around people where I could speak freely or where my presence does not annoy them. After spa they went back to their hotel and I went to meet up again with my group. They were by the beach surfing.

After they were done surfing, they wanted to sit there and catch the sunset. During the whole time, my ex did his best to exclude me from the group. I just kept quiet. I didn't have the energy to try and snatch the conversation back to my side. Then they wanted to go shop for a bit and then dinner. I didn't feel like it but my friend kept asking me to join. So I did and the whole time my ex was doing his passive-aggressive thing in excluding me. I finally had enough, told my friend that I am going back to the hotel and I just walked off. I really wanted to have a great last night with my friends, but I guess he won this round. I just didn't have it in me today to deal with this bullshit. Besides I will still see my friends when we are back in Penang.

My friends don't get it. But they don't realise that I am always excluded from the conversation cause they are happily chatting away with him without realising that I am not participating. I don't blame them. It's not their fault. But I grew tired of feeling like an outsider looking in. I don't know why he is acting this way. To go from falling for me to utterly despising me. I can understand people needing space after a break up but I cannot understand the need to be a complete jerk, Oh well.

Letting go....

I know I said that I would only update you guys on the status with my ex when I got back to Penang, but I guess right now I need an avenue. Things have not been going so well during the trip. It's not bad either but not good as well. Most of the times it feels like my very presence annoyed him.

So yesterday my friends has to off for a work thing and I was left alone with him. I asked him if he wanted to do dinner and he said he doesn't know. So anyways I tried to approach him to talk again so that the rest of the trip can be fun for both of us. The reaction that I got from him was so very spiteful. Basically this was how it went.

Me : Hey, can you meet me at the bar in the lobby? Things feel like they are a bit tense and we have until Tuesday to go...so thought we could talk?

Him : There's nothing to talk about. Not sure why you think there is something to talk about.

Me : Don't get me wrong...I mean I know ur stance on me being here and I am trying my best to make the situation bearable as possible but I honestly don't know why I seem to annoy you so much.

Him : You don't have to try anything. And I don't think anyone feels that the is not bearable other than you. So best just leave me alone. Thanks.

Me : Sigh fine. If this is how you want to be then fine.

Him : This always what I wanted. You are the one who wants to come.

Me : I came cause it's a break that I needed as well. So stop being selfish. I honestly don't know what I have done to wrong u so badly. But fine I will leave u alone. Nothing left for me to say I guess.

Him : If it's your vacation. Then enjoy yourself. I never ask you to deal with me. It's not my responsibility to keep you happy. U do whatever you want. So I'm not being selfish. Don't use that against me.

Me : OMG I never asked for you to keep me happy. Just forget it k. Forget i said anything.

Him : Anyways. That's it. Stop messaging me.

So, today I made the decision to let him go. I guess I have to let him go in the sense of him being my boyfriend but I was still hoping we could be friends. But He has made it very clear that he wants me out of his life. So I guess now I have to let him go as a friend as well, But at least I can look back and say I tried. From today onwards, I refuse to let him affect me anymore. Be it sad or angry or annoyed. He is someone that it is in my past and I need to look forward not backwards. For what it is worth I will always remember the crazy one month that we had. When for the briefest of moment I was incredibly happy and thought I was lucky to have him. I will always hold on to the good and let go of the bad. To not dwell. To not be bitter.

Anyways the good thing that came out of all this was that before I used to think I don't need a permanent long term relationship. I just needed someone who can be my companion. I gave up on trying to find the one who is right for me. My friends always tell me I just have not met the right person yet. So when I met this guy things changed for me and I realised that my friends were right. So now I realise that I want that kind of permanent relationship. Someone whom you are special too. Someone who thinks the world of you and vice versa. It has been awhile since someone could make me feel the way he did. Oh well. Such is life. I guess I just have to have faith that there is something better for me out there.