Yes, it's been awhile since I last wrote. Actually awhile is a huge understatement. It has been 6 years. I am now much older....but not so sure if I am much wiser.
The reason why I am starting to write again is that I realised I need an avenue to sort out my thoughts and what better way than to pen it all down.
The past year has been a journey of self discovery and revelation for me. My friends give me an incredulous look when I tell them that I have only come to realise in the past year that I have an extremely strong character. They tell me that they have always known that. I know I am independent but I thought most women these days are. But I have come to realise that with a character as strong as mine it is incredibly hard for me to find a guy who is an equal. Like I told my friends, I don't like wearing the pants in the relationship but I somehow always end up having to. I am not a girl who needs a guy to provide for her materially. I have dated plenty of guys that if I wanted to built a home and start a family they are more than financially capable to do so. But on an emotional level, they are not people that I can turn to with my problems or to open up to. As it is, I am usually there holding their hands. So it got to a point where I gave up on the thought of a long lasting forever kind of relationship. I just continue to date men that I don't see a future with. Men that can't really hurt me because you know the relationship can only last for so long so you don't put all your hopes into it. But men that will provide you with companionship for the time being nevertheless.
Early 2014, I ended a long distance relationship with a guy as described above. I stayed single until early this year when I met a guy. His personality immediately caught my attention and we really hit it off. He is from Penang, like me, but he has been working and living in the States for many years now. He was back for the CNY hols and we had a fun one week getting to know each other. It was an amazing time. We clicked so well and it felt like we knew each other for ages. He went back to the States and I thought that was that. We kept in touch and he said he wanted to give things a try. He has been single for a while too and does not like being in an LDR but he said he wanted to give things a try cause he said that it is not everyday that he gets to meet someone like me (cheesy I know, but I felt the exact same way so I thought why not!). Anyways, things was great for awhile. He was really good at it. He did a really great job of making me feel included in his life there even though I was so far away. He was really sweet and he did put in a lot of effort (I have to give credit where credit is due). But I guess time and distance took its toll, and as he got back into his routine there after a 3 week break in Penang, it got harder and harder for us. His mornings was my nights and vice versa and it was getting harder to find a time to talk. We started to have petty squabbles (mainly my fault not his). But he always reassured me that we will work through it.
Soon after, about a month into the relationship, he went for a night out with friends, he got really wasted and I got really worried. He usually lets me know that he got home safe after a night out. But that night I didn't hear from him. I guess my imagination took over and to cut a long story short, when I finally got hold of him the next day I really blew my top. Yes, I have temper issues. And I am very good at pushing you to the edge when I am angry. So finally he couldn't handle my anger and said he needed a couple of days to clear his head and calm himself down as well. I gave that to him. He messaged me a couple of days later. He said he was not sure if our relationship will work out and he was not sure if he can continue trying. Even as he was typing those words out I could feel my heart pounding. He then started to explain why he thinks it won't work and to me it seemed like he already made up his mind. So I was puzzled, cause he said he was not sure and he has yet to make up his mind. In hindsight maybe he was coming to me to say that he needed more time to think it through. But pushy me asked to talk and during the conversation and my "interrogation" he became sure that we are not going to work out. I was devastated, He was breaking up with me. And he said once he makes a decision there was no turning back. We ended the conversation and didn't speak or messaged for a few days.
The weekend came and I didn't feel like I had the closure that I needed. So I asked to talk. And we did. We also had a trip planned. We were going to go to Bali with another couple. So we had to still sort that out. During the conversation I had to swallow a very bitter pill and had some hard truths said to me. He explained that on top of all the difficulties that our LDR presented, he got really put off by the way I lost my temper at him. It felt like someone had stabbed me through my heart to hear that. To know that a guy who was crazy over you is now completely over you. He also explained that if we were physically together at the same place, it would have been easier to get over the argument and work things out. But he said the past few days made him realise and LDR really would not have worked out. To him not having someone physically there is very stressful for him. He is worried that he may end up cheating. He also said, all the texting and calling feels like an invasion of his personal space. At first I was like I am so far away how do I eat into your personal space. He said, cause now he needs more hours in a day to continue with his lifestyle of going out and working and putting time aside to maintain the relationship. In other words he was not ready to sacrifice his time He said if I was physically there we could hang out together with his friends and that would be time spent and shared with friends. Anyways those are the reasons given and I said then so be it. Better we know now that you are not ready for an LDR then to keep trying with the same end result. What else could I do but to accept things for what they are right? As difficult as it was for me, I had to let him go. Don't get me wrong, the lawyer inside of me wanted to give him a 1,001 reasons to stay and fight for this but I knew you can't make someone be with you if they don't want to be. You can't reason someone into staying with you. I thought we had a good chat and I thought we could part as friends especially as the Bali trip was coming up in a couple of weeks. I asked him about it and he said of course we can still go and hang out as friends and I felt relieved.
Over the days off and on I would message him but only to sort out the accommodation etc, as we had to re-book our rooms etc. But I could sense him growing colder and colder and more distant to the point where he would just ignore some of my messages. I was puzzled. Finally one day he finally came right out and told me that he rather I not go to Bali. I told him don't be selfish. Bali is my break to. The other couple going are my friends as well. I have also paid money for the trip. He said if I wanted to still go then ok, but he is just being honest when he said he rather I not go. I was crushed. It looks like we can't even be friends. I asked him why does he dislike me so much all off a sudden. He said it is not about that or about me. He just said he does not want to deal with it (whatever that means!). But I needed to go Bali. Just felt like one of those things that I needed to do. Maybe to see him one last time and get a final closure.
My mind has been working overtime of late trying to figure out why he is acting like this. Especially since he was the one who called time on the relationship. I was genuinely puzzled. I wondered if he was going to bring another girl, as he told me point blank that he was dating again. I also asked him that point blank. I told him that yes, we are no longer a couple and he has every right to bring another person along if he wants to I would appreciate a heads up in advance. To which his reply was "It is not of anyone's concern."
Anyways to add to an situation which I am already finding hard to understand, he messages one of my girlfriends yesterday. To asked her about me. To ask if I was in a good state cause he does not want to make things worse or cause any drama. He said that he hopes that I am not expecting anything from the trip. My friend's reply to him was that I was just trying to make things smooth so it would be fair for anyone and that I was not expecting anything or holding on to any more hope. That all I wanted to do was to genuinely be friends. He just replied that he will most likely go around on his own and hopes that I was not offended. When my friend told me this, I was like "THE EGO ON THIS GUY!" It's not all about him! Maybe I misinterpreted his intention but it felt like he was not messaging out of concern for my welfare, but he was doing it out of purely selfish reasons.
Anyways, the trip is tomorrow. I am full of apprehension. I don't know how he would act towards me and hence how I would react. And I still don't know if he is bringing anyone else along. I pray for strength and calm. I am still left wondering, how did a short lived 1 month relationship ended up like this?
Anyways to those who are reading this post, wish me luck in Bali tomorrow!
Me
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