Me and my maybes

Ever since feeling overwhelmed when I was in KL, I have had this feeling of restlessness and heavy heartedness. I can't quite pinpoint the reason why, I just know something is weighing on me.

Maybe it is because one of my closest friend is moving to Germany soon. She has been one of my closest confidante and has always been there for me in the past couple of years and I will definitely miss her.

Maybe it is because of my feeling of growing discontent at being in a place where I don't feel like I really fit it. Tired of feeling like a square peg in a round hole and no one seems to understand me when I tell them that I feel that way. They all seem to claim to know me better. That I am feeling this way because of the recent upset in my life. Tired of trying to make them understand why I ended up in Penang and ended up staying here till now.

Maybe it is because I can't help but wonder why I am struggling so much when my ex seems to be perfectly fine (or at least I assume he is).

Maybe it is because I am slightly envious of my friend who is moving away. She is moving to Germany because her boyfriend has been re-located there for work. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for her. Her boyfriend is great. But a tiny part of me envies what she has. It is something that I want too.

Maybe it is because I miss knowing that someone (and by someone I mean a significant other) is thinking of me. That the mere thought of me puts a smile on his face. I miss knowing that I mean something to someone. Something special. I miss knowing that someone (and once again I stress that by someone I mean a significant other) loves me. Most importantly I miss feeling that way about someone. I miss smiling at the mere thought of that person. I miss having someone special in my life. I miss loving someone.

Maybe it is because I am afraid of what the future holds for me. It is not often that I meet a guy who sweeps me off my feet, that I felt so intensely for in such a short period of time. It has happened far less than 5 times in my entire life and the last time it happened was easily more than 10 years ago and trust me I have dated my fair share (if not more!) of men. My one advise that I have always given my friends is this :-

Think about the guy/girl that you loved the most. Do you love your current bf/gf as much if not more than that ex? 

If the answer is yes, then the relationship is probably worth fighting for. If the answer is no, then maybe you want to re-look into things.

Not saying that the above is the absolute rule. But for me, it is important. So maybe that is why I am afraid. What if I don't meet a guy anytime soon that gives me that kind of exhilarating crazy intense passion? I know some people tell me "find a guy who loves you more than you love him". That may be the right approach for some people. But it is not for me. I need to love a guy as much as he loves me. When I don't the relationship always falters. So, it is not just about meeting a guy who is crazy about me. Question is, will I be just as crazy about him?