Turned out to be a quiet Sunday for me. It rained for the better part of the day. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the weather. But it feels like the gloomy weather is bringing my mood down as well.
Capping off a week of feeling pretty low on the mood scale, it has made me wonder - am I truly over him? It made me re-assess things and to re-visit some not so pleasant places in my mind. I guess a part of me has not really let him or the relationship go. I guess what I have gotten better at is to occupy my thoughts with other things. To put one foot in front of the other. To move forward, so to speak. To paste a smile on my face and pretend that I am getting along just fine; hoping that one day the smile will become a real one. But nothing can find the sadness from showing up in my eyes. Those who know me well will be able to see through the facade that I am putting up.
Don't get me wrong. I am not sitting here and just moping. I am trying to move forward and to focus on other things that I want to do. I am trying my best to be positive. I am trying my best to make lemonade out of the lemons that I have been handed. Trying to make the best out of a situation that I can't change. I am super excited about the project that I am working on at the moment. A project that I probably would not have embarked on at this point in time if it weren't for the break up. I started it because I needed something to focus. The project is my lemonade.
I guess some things you just can't fight. I want to wake up tomorrow and have my heart healed. But life doesn't work that way. I push myself too hard sometimes. I don't like being weak or having people see me so completely vulnerable. But today a friend told me, it is ok to still be sad. It is not necessarily a sign of weakness. It is ok if it takes awhile to heal. I told her "How can it be ok to still hurt 2 months after the break up when we were only dating for a month???". But I guess it is not that simple. It is not about how long you were together. I guess it was more of the significance of the relationship.
Oh well, enough ramblings for today. Tomorrow is the first day of June. Let's try and make it a better month. No. Scratch that. IT WILL BE A BETTER MONTH!
Me
Sunday, May 31, 2015
Saturday, May 30, 2015
Pitch Perfect 2
It's almost midnight and I am singing at the top of my lungs (badly). Just got back from watching Pitch Perfect 2. Loved the movie! I looooovvvvvve to sing. Actually, love is an understatement. But sadly I can't sing to save my life! Another one of life's ironies, huh?
Did I ever tell you that I absolutely love music? I can't imagine my life without it! I will listen to almost anything from a broad spectrum of genre. It all really depends on my mood.
Anyways, had a good laugh watching the movie. It was even better than the first one. And the a capella arrangements took me by surprise. There was Uprising by Muse and My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark by Fall Out Boy. I was super psych when I heard those two songs. Ultimately I love rock songs more than anything else.
Oh no! I just heard the distant rumbling of thunder. I'd better stop singing now. My singing kinda has that effect on the weather (either that or it was mostly coincidence!).
Anyways, my eyes have been looking puffy of late so I am gonna slap on some eye masks and hope that they look better by tomorrow!
Must by Das Sound Machine
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Me and my maybes
Ever since feeling overwhelmed when I was in KL, I have had this feeling of restlessness and heavy heartedness. I can't quite pinpoint the reason why, I just know something is weighing on me.
Maybe it is because one of my closest friend is moving to Germany soon. She has been one of my closest confidante and has always been there for me in the past couple of years and I will definitely miss her.
Maybe it is because of my feeling of growing discontent at being in a place where I don't feel like I really fit it. Tired of feeling like a square peg in a round hole and no one seems to understand me when I tell them that I feel that way. They all seem to claim to know me better. That I am feeling this way because of the recent upset in my life. Tired of trying to make them understand why I ended up in Penang and ended up staying here till now.
Maybe it is because I can't help but wonder why I am struggling so much when my ex seems to be perfectly fine (or at least I assume he is).
Maybe it is because I am slightly envious of my friend who is moving away. She is moving to Germany because her boyfriend has been re-located there for work. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for her. Her boyfriend is great. But a tiny part of me envies what she has. It is something that I want too.
Maybe it is because I miss knowing that someone (and by someone I mean a significant other) is thinking of me. That the mere thought of me puts a smile on his face. I miss knowing that I mean something to someone. Something special. I miss knowing that someone (and once again I stress that by someone I mean a significant other) loves me. Most importantly I miss feeling that way about someone. I miss smiling at the mere thought of that person. I miss having someone special in my life. I miss loving someone.
Maybe it is because I am afraid of what the future holds for me. It is not often that I meet a guy who sweeps me off my feet, that I felt so intensely for in such a short period of time. It has happened far less than 5 times in my entire life and the last time it happened was easily more than 10 years ago and trust me I have dated my fair share (if not more!) of men. My one advise that I have always given my friends is this :-
Maybe it is because one of my closest friend is moving to Germany soon. She has been one of my closest confidante and has always been there for me in the past couple of years and I will definitely miss her.
Maybe it is because of my feeling of growing discontent at being in a place where I don't feel like I really fit it. Tired of feeling like a square peg in a round hole and no one seems to understand me when I tell them that I feel that way. They all seem to claim to know me better. That I am feeling this way because of the recent upset in my life. Tired of trying to make them understand why I ended up in Penang and ended up staying here till now.
Maybe it is because I can't help but wonder why I am struggling so much when my ex seems to be perfectly fine (or at least I assume he is).
Maybe it is because I am slightly envious of my friend who is moving away. She is moving to Germany because her boyfriend has been re-located there for work. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for her. Her boyfriend is great. But a tiny part of me envies what she has. It is something that I want too.
Maybe it is because I miss knowing that someone (and by someone I mean a significant other) is thinking of me. That the mere thought of me puts a smile on his face. I miss knowing that I mean something to someone. Something special. I miss knowing that someone (and once again I stress that by someone I mean a significant other) loves me. Most importantly I miss feeling that way about someone. I miss smiling at the mere thought of that person. I miss having someone special in my life. I miss loving someone.
Think about the guy/girl that you loved the most. Do you love your current bf/gf as much if not more than that ex?
If the answer is yes, then the relationship is probably worth fighting for. If the answer is no, then maybe you want to re-look into things.
Not saying that the above is the absolute rule. But for me, it is important. So maybe that is why I am afraid. What if I don't meet a guy anytime soon that gives me that kind of exhilarating crazy intense passion? I know some people tell me "find a guy who loves you more than you love him". That may be the right approach for some people. But it is not for me. I need to love a guy as much as he loves me. When I don't the relationship always falters. So, it is not just about meeting a guy who is crazy about me. Question is, will I be just as crazy about him?
Wednesday, May 27, 2015
Love at first sight
Do you believe in love at first sight? We all know that there is definitely such a thing as lust at first sight, but love at first sight? Most of us are skeptical about the existence of love at first sight. Rare as it may be I believe that it does exist. Just because it is a rarity does not mean that it can never happen. Just not everyone is lucky to experience it.
What is definitely more common is falling for someone at first sight. An instant connection. An intense like for that person at first sight. This is usually when you instantly click with that person upon meeting him or her. In fact more than click. You have only just met this person but it feels like you have already known this person for ages!
Just a word of advise though - love at first sight or falling for someone at first sight does not necessarily mean that the relationship will last. Take your time to get to know that person a little bit better. Your first perception may not always be accurate. The fact that you have this insane chemistry with the other person is great as it make getting to know the other person so much more exciting and fun, but a relationship cannot last just based on chemistry.
When I met my ex that was exactly what I felt. I felt like I was falling for him at first sight. I was instantly attracted to his personality. He was funny (we shared the same sense of humour), he got along so easily with people that he had just met (even my friends thought he was great!) and we shared a lot of similar views (on life, love and just in general). I loved the fact that we were both equally as outgoing. And it felt like he could see past my exterior and knew who the real me was.
In hindsight I should have taken a bit more time to get to know him better before rushing into a relationship with him especially a LDR one. But the kind of chemistry we had swept the both of us up (or at least it did sweep me up). I don't remember feeling that excited or that passionately about someone before. Not in the last 10 years at least! I loved the way he made me feel. I wish I could say the same for him. I thought he felt exactly the same way, but the way he acted after the break up left me wondering.
Although it didn't work out, the fact that I felt that way made me believe again that magic does exist. Outwardly I may appear to be practical in nature but when it comes to love, I have always bought into the whole rom-com thing. I believe in a love worth fighting for. I believe in a crazy, carefree, intense kind of love. The kind where you are willing to give up anything for. But I guess after a string of failed relationships I began to lose hope. I started to just settle for companionship. After all, I am an independent woman perfectly capable of looking after herself, so who needs a partner in life, right? I couldn't have been more wrong and it took this relationship, the break up and all the hurt that came with it to make me realise that. In many ways I don't need a man in my life and yet in many ways I do. So I can't wait until magic strikes again but this time I will let it play out a bit longer and hopefully sometime in the near future I would meet my Mr. Right.
Who knows? Serendipity may just be waiting to happen.
Just a word of advise though - love at first sight or falling for someone at first sight does not necessarily mean that the relationship will last. Take your time to get to know that person a little bit better. Your first perception may not always be accurate. The fact that you have this insane chemistry with the other person is great as it make getting to know the other person so much more exciting and fun, but a relationship cannot last just based on chemistry.
When I met my ex that was exactly what I felt. I felt like I was falling for him at first sight. I was instantly attracted to his personality. He was funny (we shared the same sense of humour), he got along so easily with people that he had just met (even my friends thought he was great!) and we shared a lot of similar views (on life, love and just in general). I loved the fact that we were both equally as outgoing. And it felt like he could see past my exterior and knew who the real me was.
In hindsight I should have taken a bit more time to get to know him better before rushing into a relationship with him especially a LDR one. But the kind of chemistry we had swept the both of us up (or at least it did sweep me up). I don't remember feeling that excited or that passionately about someone before. Not in the last 10 years at least! I loved the way he made me feel. I wish I could say the same for him. I thought he felt exactly the same way, but the way he acted after the break up left me wondering.
Although it didn't work out, the fact that I felt that way made me believe again that magic does exist. Outwardly I may appear to be practical in nature but when it comes to love, I have always bought into the whole rom-com thing. I believe in a love worth fighting for. I believe in a crazy, carefree, intense kind of love. The kind where you are willing to give up anything for. But I guess after a string of failed relationships I began to lose hope. I started to just settle for companionship. After all, I am an independent woman perfectly capable of looking after herself, so who needs a partner in life, right? I couldn't have been more wrong and it took this relationship, the break up and all the hurt that came with it to make me realise that. In many ways I don't need a man in my life and yet in many ways I do. So I can't wait until magic strikes again but this time I will let it play out a bit longer and hopefully sometime in the near future I would meet my Mr. Right.
Who knows? Serendipity may just be waiting to happen.
Monday, May 25, 2015
Here we go again...
You would think that since I felt so sluggish this morning, I would be fast asleep by now right? WRONG! As usual, it is the middle of the night and I am wide awake. Was out for dinner and drinks with some friends tonight. By the time we finished up and I drove home, the streets were pretty much empty. Now that is when I love being behind the wheel of my car. With the windows rolled down, I turned the stereo on, chose my favourite track by Muse and blasted it. Nothing beats the feeling of the wind in my hair, with the pedal to the metal and some rockin' music egging me on to go faster. The adrenaline makes me feel alive!
Hysteria - Muse
But as awake and alive as I feel, it is bedtime for me...:)
Nites peeps!
My food fest
Today I am trying to get my style blog moving. Been cracking my head to come up with a suitable name for my blog. Have got a few short-listed but still can't decide on one. My brains don't quite seem to be functioning at full capacity today. I feel soo sluggish - I blame it on the food fest over the weekend!
My brain is so jammed up that I can barely even write this blog post. I think I am just gonna leave it at here for today.....
Sunday, May 24, 2015
Home Sweet Home
Am finally home. After 4 days in KL, I am glad to be home. Don't get me wrong. It was great catching up with my sister over the weekend, but I guess when you are still healing sometimes you prefer the familiarity of your own home. Of my own room.
While I was at the airport waiting to board my flight, I came across an interesting article in The Elite Daily :-
While I was at the airport waiting to board my flight, I came across an interesting article in The Elite Daily :-
Paul Hudson has done it again. Another article that I can totally relate to. When I first saw the title of the article my heart started to sink (I had initially thought that the article was about the difficulty of moving on) but as I read the article I realised that it actually is a glass half full article. Here are the 17 ways :-
1. You’re overcome with emotion, if only from time to time.
2. You look to all the good times when times get hard.
3. You measure everyone else by all the things you loved about your ex.
4. You learned what you’ll accept and what you won’t.
5. You dismiss potential relationships much sooner than the average person.
6. There’s a good chance you’re still trying to fill those cracks — most likely by less than ideal means.
7. People think you’re pessimistic; you think you’re realistic.
8. You know the next time you fall in love, you’ll make it work.
9. You’ve become more egocentric.
10. You’re likely to be even more driven than before.
11. You respect yourself more.
12. You consider the possibility true love doesn’t exist, but every fiber in your body hopes it does.
13. You think about second chances.
14. When other relationships don’t work out, your mind goes back to the one who broke you.
15. Some of the most basic, everyday things you do are influenced by that person’s memory.
16. Even though you’ve healed, there will always be scars.
17. You know that you found true love once; you can do it again.
1. You’re overcome with emotion, if only from time to time.
2. You look to all the good times when times get hard.
3. You measure everyone else by all the things you loved about your ex.
4. You learned what you’ll accept and what you won’t.
5. You dismiss potential relationships much sooner than the average person.
6. There’s a good chance you’re still trying to fill those cracks — most likely by less than ideal means.
7. People think you’re pessimistic; you think you’re realistic.
8. You know the next time you fall in love, you’ll make it work.
9. You’ve become more egocentric.
10. You’re likely to be even more driven than before.
11. You respect yourself more.
12. You consider the possibility true love doesn’t exist, but every fiber in your body hopes it does.
13. You think about second chances.
14. When other relationships don’t work out, your mind goes back to the one who broke you.
15. Some of the most basic, everyday things you do are influenced by that person’s memory.
16. Even though you’ve healed, there will always be scars.
17. You know that you found true love once; you can do it again.
After reading the article it gave me renewed hope. That everything will be just fine. The past will always be there. The scars even though healed will leave a mark. But that is all ok. I will be ok. It is always comforting to know that there is someone out there who seems to understand just exactly what you are going through.
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