Lemons & Lemonades

Turned out to be a quiet Sunday for me. It rained for the better part of the day.  Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the weather. But it feels like the gloomy weather is bringing my mood down as well.

Capping off a week of feeling pretty low on the mood scale, it has made me wonder - am I truly over him? It made me re-assess things and to re-visit some not so pleasant places in my mind. I guess a part of me has not really let him or the relationship go. I guess what I have gotten better at is to occupy my thoughts with other things. To put one foot in front of the other. To move forward, so to speak. To paste a smile on my face and pretend that I am getting along just fine; hoping that one day the smile will become a real one. But nothing can find the sadness from showing up in my eyes. Those who know me well will be able to see through the facade that I am putting up.

Don't get me wrong. I am not sitting here and just moping. I am trying to move forward and to focus on other things that I want to do. I am trying my best to be positive. I am trying my best to make lemonade out of the lemons that I have been handed. Trying to make the best out of a situation that I can't change. I am super excited about the project that I am working on at the moment. A project that I probably would not have embarked on at this point in time if it weren't for the break up. I started it because I needed something to focus. The project is my lemonade.

I guess some things you just can't fight. I want to wake up tomorrow and have my heart healed. But life doesn't work that way. I push myself too hard sometimes. I don't like being weak or having people see me so completely vulnerable. But today a friend told me, it is ok to still be sad. It is not necessarily a sign of weakness. It is ok if it takes awhile to heal. I told her "How can it be ok to still hurt 2 months after the break up when we were only dating for a month???".  But I guess it is not that simple. It is not about how long you were together. I guess it was more of the significance of the relationship.

Oh well, enough ramblings for today. Tomorrow is the first day of June. Let's try and make it a better month. No. Scratch that. IT WILL BE A BETTER MONTH!