Lemons & Lemonades

Turned out to be a quiet Sunday for me. It rained for the better part of the day.  Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's the weather. But it feels like the gloomy weather is bringing my mood down as well.

Capping off a week of feeling pretty low on the mood scale, it has made me wonder - am I truly over him? It made me re-assess things and to re-visit some not so pleasant places in my mind. I guess a part of me has not really let him or the relationship go. I guess what I have gotten better at is to occupy my thoughts with other things. To put one foot in front of the other. To move forward, so to speak. To paste a smile on my face and pretend that I am getting along just fine; hoping that one day the smile will become a real one. But nothing can find the sadness from showing up in my eyes. Those who know me well will be able to see through the facade that I am putting up.

Don't get me wrong. I am not sitting here and just moping. I am trying to move forward and to focus on other things that I want to do. I am trying my best to be positive. I am trying my best to make lemonade out of the lemons that I have been handed. Trying to make the best out of a situation that I can't change. I am super excited about the project that I am working on at the moment. A project that I probably would not have embarked on at this point in time if it weren't for the break up. I started it because I needed something to focus. The project is my lemonade.

I guess some things you just can't fight. I want to wake up tomorrow and have my heart healed. But life doesn't work that way. I push myself too hard sometimes. I don't like being weak or having people see me so completely vulnerable. But today a friend told me, it is ok to still be sad. It is not necessarily a sign of weakness. It is ok if it takes awhile to heal. I told her "How can it be ok to still hurt 2 months after the break up when we were only dating for a month???".  But I guess it is not that simple. It is not about how long you were together. I guess it was more of the significance of the relationship.

Oh well, enough ramblings for today. Tomorrow is the first day of June. Let's try and make it a better month. No. Scratch that. IT WILL BE A BETTER MONTH!

Pitch Perfect 2

It's almost midnight and I am singing at the top of my lungs (badly). Just got back from watching Pitch Perfect 2. Loved the movie! I looooovvvvvve to sing. Actually, love is an understatement. But sadly I can't sing to save my life! Another one of life's ironies, huh? 

Did I ever tell you that I absolutely love music? I can't imagine my life without it! I will listen to almost anything from a broad spectrum of genre. It all really depends on my mood.

Anyways, had a good laugh watching the movie. It was even better than the first one. And the a capella arrangements took me by surprise. There was Uprising by Muse and My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark by Fall Out Boy. I was super psych when I heard those two songs. Ultimately I love rock songs more than anything else.

Oh no! I just heard the distant rumbling of thunder. I'd better stop singing now. My singing kinda has that effect on the weather (either that or it was mostly coincidence!).

Anyways, my eyes have been looking puffy of late so I am gonna slap on some eye masks and hope that they look better by tomorrow! 

Must by Das Sound Machine

Me and my maybes

Ever since feeling overwhelmed when I was in KL, I have had this feeling of restlessness and heavy heartedness. I can't quite pinpoint the reason why, I just know something is weighing on me.

Maybe it is because one of my closest friend is moving to Germany soon. She has been one of my closest confidante and has always been there for me in the past couple of years and I will definitely miss her.

Maybe it is because of my feeling of growing discontent at being in a place where I don't feel like I really fit it. Tired of feeling like a square peg in a round hole and no one seems to understand me when I tell them that I feel that way. They all seem to claim to know me better. That I am feeling this way because of the recent upset in my life. Tired of trying to make them understand why I ended up in Penang and ended up staying here till now.

Maybe it is because I can't help but wonder why I am struggling so much when my ex seems to be perfectly fine (or at least I assume he is).

Maybe it is because I am slightly envious of my friend who is moving away. She is moving to Germany because her boyfriend has been re-located there for work. Don't get me wrong I am truly happy for her. Her boyfriend is great. But a tiny part of me envies what she has. It is something that I want too.

Maybe it is because I miss knowing that someone (and by someone I mean a significant other) is thinking of me. That the mere thought of me puts a smile on his face. I miss knowing that I mean something to someone. Something special. I miss knowing that someone (and once again I stress that by someone I mean a significant other) loves me. Most importantly I miss feeling that way about someone. I miss smiling at the mere thought of that person. I miss having someone special in my life. I miss loving someone.

Maybe it is because I am afraid of what the future holds for me. It is not often that I meet a guy who sweeps me off my feet, that I felt so intensely for in such a short period of time. It has happened far less than 5 times in my entire life and the last time it happened was easily more than 10 years ago and trust me I have dated my fair share (if not more!) of men. My one advise that I have always given my friends is this :-

Think about the guy/girl that you loved the most. Do you love your current bf/gf as much if not more than that ex? 

If the answer is yes, then the relationship is probably worth fighting for. If the answer is no, then maybe you want to re-look into things.

Not saying that the above is the absolute rule. But for me, it is important. So maybe that is why I am afraid. What if I don't meet a guy anytime soon that gives me that kind of exhilarating crazy intense passion? I know some people tell me "find a guy who loves you more than you love him". That may be the right approach for some people. But it is not for me. I need to love a guy as much as he loves me. When I don't the relationship always falters. So, it is not just about meeting a guy who is crazy about me. Question is, will I be just as crazy about him? 

Love at first sight

Do you believe in love at first sight? We all know that there is definitely such a thing as lust at first sight, but love at first sight? Most of us are skeptical about the existence of love at first sight. Rare as it may be I believe that it does exist. Just because it is a rarity does not mean that it can never happen. Just not everyone is lucky to experience it. 

What is definitely more common is falling for someone at first sight. An instant connection. An intense like for that person at first sight. This is usually when you instantly click with that person upon meeting him or her. In fact more than click. You have only just met this person but it feels like you have already known this person for ages!

Just a word of advise though - love at first sight or falling for someone at first sight does not necessarily mean that the relationship will last. Take your time to get to know that person a little bit better. Your first perception may not always be accurate. The fact that you have this insane chemistry with the other person is great as it make getting to know the other person so much more exciting and fun, but a relationship cannot last just based on chemistry.

When I met my ex that was exactly what I felt. I felt like I was falling for him at first sight. I was instantly attracted to his personality. He was funny (we shared the same sense of humour), he got along so easily with people that he had just met (even my friends thought he was great!) and we shared a lot of similar views (on life, love and just in general). I loved the fact that we were both equally as outgoing. And it felt like he could see past my exterior and knew who the real me was.

In hindsight I should have taken a bit more time to get to know him better before rushing into a relationship with him especially a LDR one. But the kind of chemistry we had swept the both of us up (or at least it did sweep me up). I don't remember feeling that excited or that passionately about someone before. Not in the last 10 years at least! I loved the way he made me feel. I wish I could say the same for him. I thought he felt exactly the same way, but the way he acted after the break up left me wondering.

Although it didn't work out, the fact that I felt that way made me believe again that magic does exist. Outwardly I may appear to be practical in nature but when it comes to love, I have always bought into the whole rom-com thing. I believe in a love worth fighting for. I believe in a crazy, carefree, intense kind of love. The kind where you are willing to give up anything for. But I guess after a string of failed relationships I began to lose hope. I started to just settle for companionship. After all, I am an independent woman perfectly capable of looking after herself, so who needs a partner in life, right? I couldn't have been more wrong and it took this relationship, the break up and all the hurt that came with it to make me realise that. In many ways I don't need a man in my life and yet in many ways I do. So I can't wait until magic strikes again but this time I will let it play out a bit longer and hopefully sometime in the near future I would meet my Mr. Right.

Who knows? Serendipity may just be waiting to happen.

Here we go again...

You would think that since I felt so sluggish this morning, I would be fast asleep by now right? WRONG! As usual, it is the middle of the night and I am wide awake. Was out for dinner and drinks with some friends tonight. By the time we finished up and I drove home, the streets were pretty much empty. Now that is when I love being behind the wheel of my car. With the windows rolled down, I turned the stereo on, chose my favourite track by Muse and blasted it. Nothing beats the feeling of the wind in my hair, with the pedal to the metal and some rockin' music egging me on to go faster. The adrenaline makes me feel alive!

Hysteria - Muse

But as awake and alive as I feel, it is bedtime for me...:)

Nites peeps!

My food fest

Today I am trying to get my style blog moving. Been cracking my head to come up with a suitable name for my blog. Have got a few short-listed but still can't decide on one. My brains don't quite seem to be functioning at full capacity today. I feel soo sluggish - I blame it on the food fest over the weekend!

My brain is so jammed up that I can barely even write this blog post. I think I am just gonna leave it at here for today.....

Home Sweet Home

Am finally home. After 4 days in KL, I am glad to be home. Don't get me wrong. It was great catching up with my sister over the weekend, but I guess when you are still healing sometimes you prefer the familiarity of your own home. Of my own room.

While I was at the airport waiting to board my flight, I came across an interesting article in The Elite Daily :-

Never Really Gone : 17 Ways The Person Who Broke You Still Impacts You

Paul Hudson has done it again. Another article that I can totally relate to. When I first saw the title of the article my heart started to sink (I had initially thought that the article was about the difficulty of moving on) but as I read the article I realised that it actually is a glass half full article. Here are the 17 ways :-

1. You’re overcome with emotion, if only from time to time.

2. You look to all the good times when times get hard.

3. You measure everyone else by all the things you loved about your ex.

4. You learned what you’ll accept and what you won’t.

5. You dismiss potential relationships much sooner than the average person.

6. There’s a good chance you’re still trying to fill those cracks — most likely by less than ideal means.

7. People think you’re pessimistic; you think you’re realistic.

8. You know the next time you fall in love, you’ll make it work.

9. You’ve become more egocentric.

10. You’re likely to be even more driven than before.

11. You respect yourself more.

12. You consider the possibility true love doesn’t exist, but every fiber in your body hopes it does.

13. You think about second chances.

14. When other relationships don’t work out, your mind goes back to the one who broke you.

15. Some of the most basic, everyday things you do are influenced by that person’s memory.

16. Even though you’ve healed, there will always be scars.

17. You know that you found true love once; you can do it again.

After reading the article it gave me renewed hope. That everything will be just fine. The past will always be there. The scars even though healed will leave a mark. But that is all ok. I will be ok. It is always comforting to know that there is someone out there who seems to understand just exactly what you are going through. 

Congratulations Ireland!

Was so tired yesterday I actually slept before midnight! A rarity for me. Which meant I woke up super early as well.

My sis and her husband were still fast asleep, so I just sat in the living room browsing the world wide web. Checked into CNN, The Daily Mail and The Elite Daily for my daily dose of the news, celebrity gossip and advice on love and life.

Nothing new on the celebrity front. Still dominated by the Kardashian clan. *Yawn*

The news of late is largely filled with despair and bad news. The quake in Nepal. ISIS. Biker gangs' shootouts. The plight of the Rohingya Muslims. Death and destruction seem to be the theme of the day.

BUT there was a piece of good news. Ireland voted a resounding "YES" in a referendum to change the constitution to allow for same sex marriage. I think that homesexual couples have every right to get married just the same as heterosexual couples. Regardless of whether you are homosexual or heterosexual, love is still love, right? It is a personal choice and everyone has the right to choose!

CONGRATULATIONS IRELAND!

Eat, Drink and Be Merry!

Am sitting here at the restaurant waiting for my sister to meet me for dinner. Oh, by the way am in KL (for those of you reading this who are not Malaysians, KL is Kuala Lumpur..:)). Got in early this morning for 2 days of training. Will be staying on till Sunday. Gonna have a food fest while I am here!

Anyways, even as I got into the hotel room today, I felt so overwhelmed all of a sudden. Don't even know why. Feels like I can't have any moment of inactivity. Like I have to always keep myself occupied or else my mind will take over. I just want to be back in my comfort zone, back in my room. I guess this is what healing feels like. But at least now I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. I know I will be ok given time.

Meanwhile, I am just trying to keep myself as busy as possible. Went for dinner with my girlies yesterday to celebrate the birthday of one of my besties. We had a great time stuffing our faces, eating and drinking. You know what they say - Eat, Drink and Be Merry!!!! At times like this it truly does feel like everything will be just fine.

Friends for Life

Anyways, its time I tuck myself into my snug hotel bed and fall asleep in front of my laptop while watching some telly. 

Revolving door of friends

Was going through my collection of photos today. Sure does bring back hell of a lot of memories! Looking back at the photos I realised the our life is a revolving door of friends and acquaintances. People come and go in your life. Some stay longer than others. Some are there but for a fleeting moment.

I have been truly blessed to have some of the most amazing friends. Some I have known since I was like 9 years old! Others I have met over the years and many of them have stayed on in my life. Sometimes I can't help but wonder why did life send them my way? Why do some people come into your life only to walk out of it? Some of them are people that I used to date and we have remained friends till today and I still count some of them amongst my close circle of friends.

It's funny, even as I was writing this blogpost, this article popped up on my Facebook feed :-

If You Have To Force It, Leave It Alone : Not Everyone You Lose Is A Loss

Here are some excerpts from the article which I found helpful :

"Loss can be one of the most painful feelings to endure but over time, the pain lessens and our eyes are opened to the fact that we don’t actually need that person anymore.

It might not seem like it at the time, but good things end so great things can happen.

We, as individuals, have the mental capacity to judge who has a positive impact on our lives, meaning someone can only be defined as a loss if we choose to define them as one.

Regardless of the circumstances, everything happens for a reason. Even though it might not seem like it at the time, there’s an explanation as to why that person isn’t in our lives anymore."

"While it’s hard to accept that not everyone who enters our life is meant to stay, we as human beings are built to encounter new people. We’re designed to explore, discover and grow, and not be held back by people who don’t have the same capacity as us."

"Life is too short to be anything but happy, so we need to learn to surround ourselves with people who matter. We either grow with, or grow apart from people, and if it doesn’t feel right, it might be best to let it go.

People will become strangers and distant memories, but we don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from our lives.

Nobody has the right to infect us with negativity and doubt. There will come a point in life when we’ll get tired of having to prove ourselves and we’ll get bored of trying to fix things.

It’s not giving up; it’s realizing we deserve more. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with putting ourselves first for once, and the sooner we do that, the better.

Because, after all, our broken moments don’t define us. It’s how we deal with them that does."

I couldn't agree more with the last sentence. It is true. Our broken moments do not define us. I have been broken so many times before. But ultimately what will define me is whether I will stay broken or whether I will mend the pieces. I chose to piece together the broken pieces. And as I do so, I will continue to meet more people in my journey through life. As before, some friendships will last, others will fade. People will come and people will go.

My crazy circle of friends

My lightbulb moment

I finally had my lightbulb moment today. You know, the moment when something finally clicks and and things begin to make sense? Yeah, well I had that today.

If you have been following my blog you will know that I have been stuck for the longest time trying to figure out how my ex could change so much and so fast (i.e. to go from being the sweetest guy to me to being a total jerk post break-up). Anyways, today I finally realised that probably underneath all that he is not a very nice guy. If someone was truly nice, I figured they would be nice regardless of the circumstance. Don't get me wrong, am not saying that he is a bad person. Just that maybe he is a tad bit selfish and self-absorbed which led him to handle the whole thing so badly. Of course he was nice to me in the first month, we were a couple and that is when you are usually on your best behaviour, right?

So yeah, that's me...a bit slow on the uptake when it came to this whole break-up fiasco. So now that the lights have been switched on, let's hope it stays on.

That's all for today...:)

Night owl

Hmm....why do I always feel most alive at night? When half the world is asleep and my friends are all tucked in to bed, I find myself here twiddling my thumbs wondering how to fill up my time. I need to live in a city that never sleeps! Or I could find a way to make money during my free time!! 

I am sitting here in front of my laptop with a glass of wine to the right of me. I have a serious case of the wanderlust and trying to figure out how to make my dream of going to New York come true. Now, that is a city that never sleeps! I hope that I can make it there next year...:)

I guess the upside of being single is that it gives me more time to focus on what I really want in life without having to take into consideration the feelings of your partner. For eg. if I wanted to re-locate it would be much easier to do so! So that is what I am going to do - to take a leap of faith and work towards my dream. I know what would make me happy, but it is a risk that I would have to take. Meanwhile, I guess the dream is something that I would have to slowly work towards to, but surely I will. I have been putting it off for too long. It's time I did something about it. That will be my happiness project. It is not that I am incredibly unhappy. But as Gretchen Rubin says, what can I do to make myself happier?

On my flight back from Bali, I discovered this new series whilst scrolling through the in-flight entertainment menu. It is called "Selfie" and it is super funny. Or at least to me it is! Hahahahaha....gonna just chill and watch a couple of episodes before I head to bed.

My very own happiness project

It's Sunday. The day after my doctor's appointment. My cousin has said that a scan in 4 months' time is fine and I shouldn't worry too much about it as most of the time the nodules are not harmful. This is something definitely beyond my control and worrying about it is not going to change anything. So let's just have faith and stay positive...:)

Anyways, I have been reading 2 books simultaneously (yeah, I know...sometimes I am weird that way...:)). I have been switching between "Life Without Limits" by Nick Vujivic and "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin. Both are really good books and have made me reflect on a lot of things.

I know that despite my best efforts to move forward, I still have bouts of dwelling in the past and dwelling on unanswered questions. But I need to look forward to the possibility of something better and something more exciting waiting for me just around the corner. Yes, my 2015 is not turning out to be what I want it to be. But there is another 7 months to go, who knows what may happen, right? One thing is for sure, if I continue to stay in this funk of mine then it is almost a certainty the remainder of 2015 is not going to be so great either. Below are some excerpts from "Life Without Limits" which I found so true :-

"I have a choice. You have a choice. We can choose to dwell on disappointments and shortcomings. We can choose to be bitter, angry or sad. Or when faced with hard times and hurtful people, we can choose to learn from the experience and move forward, taking responsibility for our own happiness."

"Some injuries heal more quickly if you keep moving. The same is true of setbacks in life. Perhaps you lose your job. A relationship might not work out. Maybe the bills are piling up. Don't put your life on hold so that you can dwell on the unfairness of past hurts. Look instead for ways to move forward. Maybe there is a better job awaiting you that will be more fulfilling and rewarding. Your relationship may have needed a shake-up, or maybe there is someone better for you. Perhaps your financial challenges will inspire you to fine new creative ways to save and build wealth.

You can't always control what happens to you. There are some occurrences in life that are not your fault or within your power to stop. The choice you have is either to give up or to keep on striving for a better life. My advice is to know that everything happens for a reason and in the end good will come of it. "

Nick Vujicic's words above offer a measure of comfort to me. It reminds me of the ME that used to be more positive. More optimistic. The Me that used to have so much faith that everything happens for a reason. 

From today onwards I a going to try my best to move forward and take responsibility for my happiness. I choose not to be bitter, angry or sad (ok, maybe not being bitter or angry is easier. Am definitely going to have to work  harder on not being sad!). I guess the saying "that people can only hurt you if you let them" also holds true to some extent. But easier said than done I guess. Sometimes we can't control our emotions. But what we can do is to make sure that we don't stay hurt for long.

I may not see the bigger picture right now of why things with my ex ended up like this. But I do see small measures of it. It taught me the importance of being patient. To think before I react to a situation. It also made me realise certain things about myself and what I want out of life and relationships. It made me see things in a different way. I may not see the sense in why after having gone through 35 years of life blessed with good health (at the every most I catch a cold or come down with a cough twice a year!) I am all off a sudden confronted with so many health issues, but I do know one thing - life does not throw at you more than you can handle.

Another bump in the road....

Finally found some time today to write. 

Started off my day with a doctor's appointment. Towards the end of 2013, I was diagnose with hyperthyroidism. Which in itself is no big deal. It was initially thought that I had Graves disease but after going around in circles and finally changing doctors, an ultrasound was done and it turned out that I do probably have Graves disease (due to family history) but that I also had nodules on my thyroid. Treatment is still the same. You take the medication for 1.5 years and then you stop and the doctor will then monitor you every 3 months or so to see if the hyperthyroidism recurs. Probability of it recurring when the cause is from the nodules on my thyroid is 50-50.

My hyperthyroidism was managed very easily and was brought under control very early on. So in February this year, I was taken off the meds and today I went back for the follow-up blood tests and since I had the nodules on my thyroid, for an ultrasound as well. I prayed for my hyperthyroidism to still be under control cause if it was back then it meant having to irradiate my thyroid gland, which is not an option I want to explore.  Instead the news that I got blindsided me completely. 3 of the bigger nodules have grown in size. One of it actually doubled in size. My doctor was somewhat concern but she didn't think it was necessary to do a biopsy just yet. She wanted to monitor it for awhile longer as she thinks that the earlier ultrasound may have not been completely accurate. You see, not long after I was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism it was also discovered that I had a cystic hygroma (for more info, you will have to Google it as I don't think I can accurately explain what it is). So coming back to the nodules, the doctor figured that maybe during the first ultrasound, the cyst was pushing against the nodules causing it to look smaller. So, she scheduled me for another ultrasound 4 months from now and will see if the nodules have grown again. She said if it reaches 3cm she will want to have it removed. Another operation. Sigh. In any event, she will decide on the next course of action 4 months from now. But she has warned me, if my hyperthyroidism recurs, she will want to remove my entire thyroid gland rather than just to irradiate it. Irradiating it will only solve my hyperthyroidism problem but I will still have to deal with the risk of the nodules becoming malignant. Removal of the entire gland will solve both problems for good.

Last year, I finally had the cystic hygroma removed after a series of infection. The last round of infection landed me in the hospital with treatment by antibiotics having to be administered intravenously, which was what finally made me decide to have the cystic hygroma removed. However, there is no guarantee that the removal will be a clean removal as there may still be residues of it left. Cystic hygroma causes a swelling to the area. The swelling gets bigger when it becomes infected. Ever since the operation the swelling has not completely gone down and I am beginning to wonder if the cyst was completely removed. I will have to schedule another appointment with the ENT to follow up on it.

Another complication that I don't need. I thought I had put all my health issues behind me last year. Really didn't expect this. I have always been a healthy girl and all off a sudden all these issues cropped up last year. I was really looking forward to a better 2015. Although my relationship woes continued on in this year, I thought hey, at least my health is ok now. Hopefully it still is. More now than ever I need to have faith that everything will be ok. Have asked my cousin who is also an endocrinologist for his opinion on this. Anxiously awaiting his reply.

My Two Sisters

Today I woke up thinking about how lucky I am to have my 2 great older sisters. Of course growing up we would have our petty squabbles and bicker till it drove our parents crazy!

But regardless we have always remained close and I am sooooo thankful for that. I don't know what I would have done without the support, understanding and advice that they have given me over the years. They have always been my shoulder to cry on. And they have always always been there for me. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have their support for most of the decisions that I made in my life. It always made it all the easier to do something knowing that they were supportive of me.

And in this latest upset in my life, they have once again been there for me. The two older sisters looking after their younger sibling...:)

Love you both!

7 Rules of Life

7 Rules of Life

1. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

2. What others think of your is none of your business.

3. Time heals almost everything, give it time.

4. Don't compare your life to others and don't judge them. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

5. Stop thinking too much, it's alright not to know the answers. They will come to you when you least expect it.

6. No one is in charge of your happiness, except you.

7. Smile. You don't own all the problems in the world.

I came across the above on Facebook today and I realised that the only one that is screwing me up is No. 5. 

No. 1 - I never regret my past because it is what makes me who I am today. Good experiences, bad experiences, they all shape me into who I am today. 

No. 2 - Growing up I have learnt never to care what people think of you. As long as you know who you are, that is all that matters.

No. 3 - Yes. This is something that holds true. I have reached 36 years of age and time and time again I have learnt that given time, wounds will heal. Just a matter of how long.

No. 4 - No. I have never compared my life to others. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. No matter how perfect someone's life may seem from the outside, everyone has their own demons.

No. 6 - Yes. I am the master of my happiness.

No. 7 - Sometimes this may be hard to do. But I try.

Ok. Let's go back to No. 5. This is where my obsessive nature comes into play. Somehow to me it does not always feel alright to not have the answers. I guess I have to learn to let it go.

Anyways, can't write much today. Am dead tired to muster up much today. Been a crazy day. Had a 6:50 a.m. flight to catch. What time did I wake up? 5:50 a.m. Another one of life's ironies. On days where I don't have a flight to catch I will wake up in the middle of the night at like 4:00 a.m.! Mad rush to the airport. Luckily it was only for a day trip so I had not bag to check in and I had already checked in online. F1 driver all the way to the airport! Hahaha....

Anyways, signing off for today. Nite peeps!

Hmmmmm......

Today, a friend of mine sent over an article for me to read. He ever so wisely thought that it may be of relevance to me. It proved to be an interesting read:

You Don't Miss the Person, You Miss The Idea of the Person

It kinda struck a chord with me. I guess I can relate to what the article is saying.

Yesterday was a not so great a day for me. I guess some days are harder than others. Yesterday I reflected upon my trip to Bali and felt somewhat sad for myself. I was also mad at myself cause I could not help but wonder why am I still so hung up over this whole thing. Why is it so hard for me to just jump right back up? What exactly is holding me back? Am I not pushing myself hard enough?

I am someone who is confident in myself. I do not and never have suffered from low self-esteem. And when a relationship ends I am usually quite capable to seeing where the problem lies. Whether it is my fault or not. But somehow with this one, I seem stuck. And now I am gonna ponder out loud something that has been swirling around in my head - Was there anything else that I could have done so that things didn't end up this way? Everyone tells me, there was nothing that I could have done. That I have done my best. I have even done my best to try and be friends. That even if I had not lost my temper that day, the relationship would not have worked out, that it was only a matter of time before he bailed regardless.

So I guess it was only apt that I came across this on twitter 5 minutes ago :-

#WednesdayWisdom pic.twitter.com/YYUL1wyWYV

— Elite Daily (@EliteDaily) May 13, 2015

My new toy

The Canon Selphy CP910

This new toy arrived in the mail today for me. So, came back from work and started playing with it. Love it! Now I can print out my photos! 

A year of change

A YEAR OF CHANGE. This was something a really good friend of mine said to me this year. She knew that 2014 was not a great year for me in terms of work and relationship.

So when I got this new job in the beginning of this year, she said 2015 will be a year of change for me. And then I met my ex, and we thought hey, definitely a year of change. But look at what happened right? Isn't life just full of ironies? But my friend being ever the optimist, told me I am still heading in the right direction. 2105 will still be a year of change. I realised that I need to work on my temper issues and my realisation about what I want in terms of a relationship - she said those are all changes. And oh yeah, also me actually doing something about finally moving away from Malaysia.

And of course she reminded me, when one door closes another one opens. To my dearest friend, you know who you are...:) Thanks for the positive encouragement. God knows I will be needing plenty of those in the days to come.

I guess for now I am still reeling and healing from the break up and the events that unfolded after that. I wake up every morning feeling somewhat hollow. I don't think it's about missing him. I think it is more of having to pick up the pieces again. I think it is more the disappointment of having another relationship crash and burn especially when I finally thought I had something good going there. Oh well.

Meanwhile, I am trying to focus as much as I can on other things. Like getting my style blog up and running!

My gorgeous red pumps

Killer heels

Love these heels. I have a huge shoe fetish. I bought these online but never expected them to turn out sooo gorgeous! Can't wait to go dancing in them...or out on a hot date! 

Just another day at the office

It is Monday again. The start of another week at the office. And to cheer myself up, here is what I got up to....

It's Monkey Business at work!

My blog has been sitting here open since this morning but have been so busy that I have barely had time to write anything! 

On the bright side, I got a nice surprise at work today. I received some flower and chocs...:) Was from a friend just trying to cheer me up I guess.

Oooooohhhh.....the books that I ordered finally arrived! Can't wait to dig into them. Hopefully it gives me some much needed inspiration.

My new reads

Happy reading! 

Hungover.....

Crazy night out

The picture above says it all!! Too hungover today to write much......gonna sleep early tonight!

Nite peeps! Hope you guys had a great weekend!

Phew...

Phew!! Done for the day. Today my company held a Family Carnival and I was on duty from 10:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. It was not work really. Check out a snapshot of what I got up to....

Fun for the day

Anyways, at least I was kept busy. As work was winding down, my mood started to dip low. I guess it is because it hit me again that I am having to pick up the pieces and start all over again. 

I do desperately want to just put it all behind me and start looking forward to the future but the unanswered questions of how did it all go so wrong and how did it end up like this is still bugging me. I just have to constantly keep myself busy so those questions don't plaque my thoughts anymore. But it is like the song Ghost by Elle Henderson says "the ghost of you keeps me awake." 

I feel like I need a good cry, to let everything all out but I am holding back the tears. Maybe cause I am scared that once I let it out it will be like a river that has been dammed up for too long.

:(

Ghost by Elle Henderson

Ghost by Elle Henderson

I keep going to the river to pray

'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain

And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away

But your ghost, the ghost of you

It keeps me awake

My friends had you figured out

Yeah, they saw what's inside of you

You tried hiding another you

But your evil was coming through

These eyes sitting on the wall

They watch every move I make

Bright light living in the shade

Your cold heart makes my spirit shake

I had to go through hell to prove I'm not insane

Had to meet the devil just to know his name

And that's when my love was burning

Yeah, it's still burning

[2x:]

I keep going to the river to pray

'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain

And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away

But your ghost, the ghost of you

It keeps me awake

Each time that I think you're gone

I turn around and you're creeping in

And I let you under my skin

Guess I love living in the sin

Oh you never told me

True love was gonna hurt

True pain I don't deserve

Truth is that I never learn

[2x:]

I keep going to the river to pray

'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain

And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away

But your ghost, the ghost of you

It keeps me awake

Give up the ghost

Give up the ghost

Give up the ghost

Stop the haunting baby

Give up the ghost

Give up the ghost

Give up the ghost

No more haunting baby

I keep going to the river

[2x:]

I keep going to the river to pray

'Cause I need something that can wash out the pain

And at most I'm sleeping all these demons away

But your ghost, the ghost of you

It keeps me awake

I hear ya Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift is featured on the cover of Elle's June edition. Read an excerpt of her interview and all I can say is, I can totally relate to what she is saying...hahaha :-

On Getting Over a Guy

Taylor Swift: "Shake It Off" and "Clean" were the last two things we wrote for the record, so it shows you where I ended up mentally. "Clean" I wrote as I was walking out of Liberty in London. Someone I used to date—it hit me that I'd been in the same city as him for two weeks and I hadn't thought about it. When it did hit me, it was like, Oh, I hope he's doing well. And nothing else. And you know how it is when you're going through heartbreak. A heartbroken person is unlike any other person. Their time moves at a completely different pace than ours. It's this mental, physical, emotional ache and feeling so conflicted. Nothing distracts you from it. Then time passes, and the more you live your life and create new habits, you get used to not having a text message every morning saying, "Hello, beautiful. Good morning." You get used to not calling someone at night to tell them how your day was. You replace these old habits with new habits, like texting your friends in a group chat all day and planning fun dinner parties and going out on adventures with your girlfriends, and then all of a sudden one day you're in London and you realize you've been in the same place as your ex for two weeks and you're fine. And you hope he's fine. The first thought that came to my mind was, I'm finally clean. I'd been in this media hailstorm of people having a very misconstrued perception of who I was. There were really insensitive jokes being made at awards shows by hosts; there were snarky headlines in the press—"Taylor Goes Through a Breakup: Well, That Was Swift!"—focusing on all the wrong things.

My mini Zen garden

Today I dug something out from my closet. I had it since my uni days but ever since returning back home I have forgotten about it. It is now sitting at my office table.

My mini Zen garden

Let us see if it can keep me Zen-like at work.

Anyways, the weekend is coming up. I don't like weekends anymore as I am usually left with nothing much to do. To some people weekends are for lazing at home doing nothing. I am not a "do nothing" kind of person. Most of my friends have their own lives and family to attend to and they can't always be keeping me company. Oh well, at least I will be working tomorrow. The company I work for has an event and we will be required to work during the event. We get paid of course. So at least there is something to keep me busy tomorrow.

:) 

New York City dreaming

Before I say good night for today, I just wanted to share this picture with you. I just can't get over how beautiful this picture is. I have it as the theme for my Google Chrome browser. It has always been my dream to visit the Big Apple. This is my motivation to get there fast!!!

Nite...and sweet dreams.

How time flies....

Woke up this morning and it hit me that it is already May. How time flies by so quickly. In no time at all it will be the middle of the year. Just hoping things pick up for me. Today is a public holiday here, although the company that I work for seems to be the only one who is declaring it as a PH. All my other friends were working so I was super bored.

I wished that I was at work though, cause more than anything else now is the time that I need to be kept busy. My mind needs to be kept busy. Anyways, today I came up with an interesting analogy. Was trying to explain to my friend that it is not that I miss my ex, but more of what we had. So it goes like this :-

Imagine that you are a chocolate lover. Then one day, there is a shortage of chocolate.

So you get used to it and you figured that you can live without chocolate. 

You don't need chocolate. What's so great about chocolate, right?

Then out of the blue someone gave you a piece of chocolate.

And then you realise OMG, how much you have missed the chocolate.

That you still want chocolate. 

So for me, the chocolate does not represent my ex. It represented what we had. The type of relationship that I want. Does that make sense? Oh well, in my world it does...hahaha...

Anyways, I had a great night tonight. Went for dinner with one of my besties. We had Korean food and along the way we indulged in some Makgeolli and plum wine. What can I say, I like my alcohol...:) Had such a great time catching up and just chit-chatting. Must do it more often.

Me and my Besty

A new day, A new beginning

Woke up today and I told myself, it is a new day and it will be a new beginning. One chapter has closed and another chapter will now start. I wish that healing was an overnight process. That I will just wake up and be perfectly fine again. But I guess not everything in life comes so easily. Albeit slowly, but surely I will pick myself up again.

Back at work today. Woke up early so came in early. It is time to finally get serious at my new job. I am formally trained as a lawyer. However, I left practice many years ago and was working as an in-house legal counsel. On 1st April 2015 I completely left the legal field behind and have moved over to the retail industry. It's a challenging but exciting role and am looking forward to it.

I am also going to channel my energy into building my secret passion into something more substantive. I love fashion!!! I want to create my own style/fashion blog and hopefully build a business from it. So wish me luck! I want to do something that allows me mobility and to move away from Malaysia.

Life is short, so I want to do what makes me happy. I have always stayed back in Penang because my parents are here and I feel bad if I were to leave them here alone. Both my sisters have moved away and I guess being the last one here, it is harder to move away. Don't get me wrong, Penang is a beautiful island, but somehow I don't feel as though I belong here. I don't quite fit in. Like a square peg in a round hole.

I was just telling a friend of mine that I don't need to live a luxurious life. I don't need to to be wined and dined or showered with gifts. In this life I would be happy if I could do what I love (i.e fashion) with the right guy by my side. I will be truly contented then. Cheesy right? But what can I say, I am a romantic at heart.

Anyways, let us hope that this new chapter in my life will be a happier one. 

Home at last

Home at last.

Only managed to unpack my bag halfway before I got lazy. Will finish the unpacking tomorrow. Some things can wait...hahahahaha....

I had a good 3 hours on the flight from Bali to KL to mull over things. I realised a part of me was scared of letting go was because it means having to face the future, and I was terrified of what the future holds. What if this is as good as it gets? A good friend sent me this message :-

"Yes it is sad that it didnt't work out. But that maginificent 1 month with him proved to you that there's more to a relationship than what you initially thought. Believe in magic coz it does exist."

I sure hope that she is right. 

After the break up I have already learnt to let go of him as a boyfriend. I never realised that I had to let go of him as a friend as well. Oh well.

Friends have been trying to help make sense of why he is acting the way he is acting. One friend told me that when men hurt they display it very differently from women. The worse they behave the more likely they are hurting. Not sure how true that is. He definitely does not seem like he is hurting. More like he wants to hurt me...hahahaha....anyways, only he holds the answer to why he is acting the way he is acting. Could be an oversized ego, could be something else, only he knows. But regardless, it does not justify him acting the way he did. In any event, we won't have to deal with each other anymore after this. No reason to. It's just me silently wishing him all the best and safe travels home.

Nite peeps!

Going home

Going home today. Mixed emotions. Heart feels heavy. I guess I am going home with a feeling of lost. Still no regrets about coming on this trip although parts of it was difficult. But life can't always be a walk in the park, right?

I know, most of you will be thinking, what lost? But I guess be it good or bad I know once I leave Bali, it will be the final goodbye for us. We go back to being perfect strangers and nothing else. I guess I am really really struggling to understand how two people who got along so well could end up like this. I guess we can't always have the answers to everything either.

Maybe once I get on the plane I will feel better. But for now I am leaving Bali with a heavy heart.

Safe travels.

Making sense of the senseless....

What a last night this is turning out to be. I am now back in my hotel room ordering room service. Such a contrast to last night and this afternoon.

I had a great time last night and today afternoon. Turns out some other friends were also in Bali and one was staying at the hotel just up the road from where my hotel is. So I joined her and her boyfriend for dinner yesterday. The food was fantastic although the portions were somewhat small.

Dinner @ Legian Beach Hotel

Today my friends from Penang, Michelle and her bf, Ming, came into Kuta town to meet up for lunch with me and after lunch we went for a quick spa session.

The Crazy Trio

It was so refreshing to be around people where I could speak freely or where my presence does not annoy them. After spa they went back to their hotel and I went to meet up again with my group. They were by the beach surfing.

After they were done surfing, they wanted to sit there and catch the sunset. During the whole time, my ex did his best to exclude me from the group. I just kept quiet. I didn't have the energy to try and snatch the conversation back to my side. Then they wanted to go shop for a bit and then dinner. I didn't feel like it but my friend kept asking me to join. So I did and the whole time my ex was doing his passive-aggressive thing in excluding me. I finally had enough, told my friend that I am going back to the hotel and I just walked off. I really wanted to have a great last night with my friends, but I guess he won this round. I just didn't have it in me today to deal with this bullshit. Besides I will still see my friends when we are back in Penang.

My friends don't get it. But they don't realise that I am always excluded from the conversation cause they are happily chatting away with him without realising that I am not participating. I don't blame them. It's not their fault. But I grew tired of feeling like an outsider looking in. I don't know why he is acting this way. To go from falling for me to utterly despising me. I can understand people needing space after a break up but I cannot understand the need to be a complete jerk, Oh well.

Closure of sorts....

Can't believe that today would be my last full day in Bali and I would be leaving this beautiful island tomorrow.

I am glad I came on this trip. I always knew that as difficult as this trip may be it was something that I had to do. I guess I wanted to come here for a closure of sorts. I have never been the girl who tries to runaway and hide from anything. I always feel that for me to be able to completely move on I have to face my demons and bury them once and for all. The need to deal with it now is to avoid it coming back to haunt me later on.

So, I came on this trip. I tried one last time to smooth things over with my ex. It didn't work. But at least I tried. It's funny, yesterday we were out for some water sports and from where I was seated I could see him having so much fun. I saw him smiling and laughing and I realised despite everything I was glad that he was enjoying himself.

At the end of the day, I will never wish him ill. I will always wish him well and wish him every happiness. One day we may be friends or we may never be. Who knows? But whatever it is, if and when he does want to be friends I will always be there. But for now we will fade into being complete strangers again. He is now another chapter in my life that has come to a close, although it is closed with a heavy heart.

Letting go....

I know I said that I would only update you guys on the status with my ex when I got back to Penang, but I guess right now I need an avenue. Things have not been going so well during the trip. It's not bad either but not good as well. Most of the times it feels like my very presence annoyed him.

So yesterday my friends has to off for a work thing and I was left alone with him. I asked him if he wanted to do dinner and he said he doesn't know. So anyways I tried to approach him to talk again so that the rest of the trip can be fun for both of us. The reaction that I got from him was so very spiteful. Basically this was how it went.

Me : Hey, can you meet me at the bar in the lobby? Things feel like they are a bit tense and we have until Tuesday to go...so thought we could talk?

Him : There's nothing to talk about. Not sure why you think there is something to talk about.

Me : Don't get me wrong...I mean I know ur stance on me being here and I am trying my best to make the situation bearable as possible but I honestly don't know why I seem to annoy you so much.

Him : You don't have to try anything. And I don't think anyone feels that the is not bearable other than you. So best just leave me alone. Thanks.

Me : Sigh fine. If this is how you want to be then fine.

Him : This always what I wanted. You are the one who wants to come.

Me : I came cause it's a break that I needed as well. So stop being selfish. I honestly don't know what I have done to wrong u so badly. But fine I will leave u alone. Nothing left for me to say I guess.

Him : If it's your vacation. Then enjoy yourself. I never ask you to deal with me. It's not my responsibility to keep you happy. U do whatever you want. So I'm not being selfish. Don't use that against me.

Me : OMG I never asked for you to keep me happy. Just forget it k. Forget i said anything.

Him : Anyways. That's it. Stop messaging me.

So, today I made the decision to let him go. I guess I have to let him go in the sense of him being my boyfriend but I was still hoping we could be friends. But He has made it very clear that he wants me out of his life. So I guess now I have to let him go as a friend as well, But at least I can look back and say I tried. From today onwards, I refuse to let him affect me anymore. Be it sad or angry or annoyed. He is someone that it is in my past and I need to look forward not backwards. For what it is worth I will always remember the crazy one month that we had. When for the briefest of moment I was incredibly happy and thought I was lucky to have him. I will always hold on to the good and let go of the bad. To not dwell. To not be bitter.

Anyways the good thing that came out of all this was that before I used to think I don't need a permanent long term relationship. I just needed someone who can be my companion. I gave up on trying to find the one who is right for me. My friends always tell me I just have not met the right person yet. So when I met this guy things changed for me and I realised that my friends were right. So now I realise that I want that kind of permanent relationship. Someone whom you are special too. Someone who thinks the world of you and vice versa. It has been awhile since someone could make me feel the way he did. Oh well. Such is life. I guess I just have to have faith that there is something better for me out there.

Lost track of time

Gorgeous Blue Skies

Beautiful Bali. It is so easy to lose track of time when you are here. Woke up today and realised that it is already Day 5 of my trip. Another 2 more days left to this trip. I will update you guys on the status of things with my ex when I get home to Penang. For now I would just like to enjoy my much needed break.

Ever since getting into the Legian area, we have spent it doing nothing much. We have taken surfing lessons twice and I am hopeless at it. I have absolutely no sense of balance. But at least it is something new that I have tried.

Hopeless surfer chick

I think my instructor is getting frustrated with me and trying very hard not to lose his patience with me....hahahahaha....I think my friends wanna go again today but I will pass....body has been chaffed raw. I made the mistake of not wearing the surfing top during my first lesson and my elbows and stomach is now bruised and chaffed. 

I guess I will just have a chill day by the beach today....I love the sea, the sand and the surf. Feeling the water and the sand between my toes. Somehow looking out at the ocean it gives me a sense of freedom. It de-stresses me. 

Anyways I only have two days left to my break....gonna make the most out of it!

Have a great day peeps!